Dave's notoriety continues to build while life on campus becomes more difficult.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – DAY
Dave is walking back across the campus after his embarrassing chair climbing display. He passes near one of the parking lots and sees Steve standing by his car. As he walks closer, Dave can see the trunk of the car is open.
There is a cluster of students around the open trunk. Closer still , Dave can see Steve has the phone message shirts from earlier displayed on hangers all around the open trunk.
STEVESpecial offer today guys. Fifteen
bucks for one, twenty five for two.
DAVEWhat are you doing?
STEVEKids, this is a real honor. Big Daddy
himself is here. For an extra five
dollars the man who loves big
boobies will autograph each one.
The group mummers their assent.
DAVEI’m not signing anything.
STEVEWhat if I let you keep the five
Dave slams the trunk scattering the T-shirts on the ground. Steve has to duck out of the way to avoid having his fingers caught.
STEVE (CONT'D)Hey, watch what you’re doing.
You’re going to wreck all my
KID IN CROWDWhoa, not very cool Professor
DAVEDon’t you guys have class, or
studying or an extasy rave to go to?
The kids shuffle off reluctantly.
DAVE (CONT’D)Why are you doing this to me? This
is where I work? I have to stand up
in front of these kids everyday and
they are not going to listen to me if
they think I’m thinking about their
tits. Well , half of them. I hate to
consider what the male half of the
room is thinking about.
Steve begins to pick up his shirts from the ground.
STEVEThis isn’t personal , it’s just
DAVEOf course it’s personal , it’s my life.
STEVEIt’s my life too Dave. This may all be
over in a week. I’ve got to make the
DAVEKnowing you, you’d think of a way
to keep it going longer. Don’t call
me for awhile.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – VARIOUS
The phone message has taken on a life of it’s own. Now there are posters not just on campus, but in town too.
INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dave is slouched on his couch watching a late night talk show host.
HOST (ON TV)Have you heard of this Big Boobies
ring tone that’s sweeping across the
There is laughter and an applause of acknowledgment from the audience.
HOST (ON TV) (CONT’D)This guy tells his ex-girl friend what
he really liked about her and she
showed her appreciation by having
it posted on the Internet. Did we
learn nothing from the Clinton
Riotous laughter erupts.
HOST (ON TV) (CONT’D)And it’s not just Big Boobies; there
are several ring tones about all
aspects of sex. Or should I say
The audience hoot luridly.
HOST (ON TV) (CONT’D)There are so many ring tones, Paris
Hilton went out and bought a
different cell phone so she could hear
Riotous laughter erupts.
HOST (ON TV) (CONT’D)
Has anyone listened to the whole
message? Apparently the guy tried
to call Dr. Phil for help, but Dr. Phil
wouldn’t take the call when he saw
it was from “Big Daddy”.
Riotous laughter erupts with applause.
DAVEOh please. Those jokes aren’t even
Dave turns off the TV. He picks up the phone and begins to call Ally, but decides against it and goes to bed.
INT. DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY
Dave comes into his office in the morning. He sees the red message light on his phone is BLINKING. He sighs and puts down his case heavily.
DAVE (TO HIMSELF)That’s never good news.
Dave presses the speaker function and dials in to get his message.
MESSAGE VOICEYou have two new messages.
ALLY (VOICE ON PHONE)Hi Dave. I’m sorry I didn’t call . I’ve
been thinking and I’m sure you have
probably suffered enough with this
thing. And, well , I miss you. Call
DAVEYes! Maybe this will be a good day.
MESSAGE VOICEMessage two:
SECRETARY (VOICE ON PHONE)Dr. Morgan, the Dean would like to
see you. Your class schedule shows
you are free at 10:30. Please contact
me if this is not possible.
DAVEOr maybe not.
INT. OFFICE OF THE DEAN – DAY
Dave enters the Dean’s office. The secretary that left the phone
message is sitting in the anteroom. She is busy typing.
DAVEExcuse me. I’m hear to see Dean
(with disdain)I know who you are. Everyone does.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
DAVEIt’s all a big misunderstanding,
SECRETARYYou can go in, but try not to touch
As he passes, he drags a finger across her desk. We hear the secretary INHALE sharply.
Dave opens the door to the Dean’s off ice and enters. Behind him, the secretary has grabbed a spray bottle of cleaner and is wiping her desk down.
The Dean is reading a file. It is a plush, well appointed office with plenty of books and comfortable leather armchairs.
DEAN TURNERProfessor Morgan. Come in.
Dave steps towards an overstuffed leather armchair in front of the Dean's desk. He begins to sit, but is interrupted by the Dean midway to the seat.
DEAN TURNER (CONT’D)Don’t sit. This won’t take long.
Dave slowly straightens up.
DEAN TURNERHow long have you been with this
Six years Sir. Not counting my
undergraduate four years before I
went to Stanford for my graduate
DEAN TURNERSo nearly ten years.
DEAN TURNERAnd in a l that time did you come to
think of this university as a place of
DEAN TURNEROr perhaps an establishment rife in
practitioners of lascivious behavior?
Or a place to “get your freak on”, as
you people say these days?
DAVENo Sir. No one I know would use
that phrase. Maybe my friend
Toynebee does but I’m pretty sure
he has a mental condition. Mild and
treatable but still…
The Dean raises his hand and Dave stops his embarrassed rambling.
DEAN TURNERProfessor Morgan, we have always
had a certain tolerance for
immature behavior from the
students, but it cannot be tolerated
from the staff.
DAVESir, I understand and i f you’ll let me
DEAN TURNERAs much as I don’t like it, a
professor’s private life is his own
business, but when you begin to
make your questionable lifestyle
DAVEI wouldn’t go so far as to call my
DEAN TURNEROr attempt to at tack a student
DAVEI think “attack” is a pretty strong
DEAN TURNEROr hoping to profit from your
Dean Turner holds up one of Steve’s T-shirts.
DEAN TURNER (CONT’D)Then we have to re-consider your
DAVEThe T-shirts aren’t mine. The whole
stupid thing is a friend of mine's
demented idea of capitalism.
DEAN TURNERAnother of these friends you “hang
out” with at your “gentlemen’s
DAVEThat night wasn’t even my idea.
Dean Turner tosses a stack of papers across his desk towards Dave.
DEAN TURNERAll those letters are from parents
upset that we would employ a man
of your character here.
The Dean tosses a pile of phone message slips.
DEAN TURNER (CONT’D)And that’s a fraction of the phone
cal ls from alumni threatening to
pull their donations. Do you realize
you don’t have tenure here yet?
DAVEYes Sir. I mean, no Sir. I… I don’t
know what to say.
Dave moves to pick up the stack of letters. He notices that the Dean has knocked over a small picture on his desk. Dave picks it up. It is a picture of a beautiful girl around fi fteen, dressed in a
DEAN TURNERPut that down. That’s a picture of
There is something familiar about the girl in the picture, but he can’t think of what it is.
DEAN TURNER (CONT"D)Morgan, she’s not the sort of girl
you should be thinking about.
CUT TO:INT. STRIP CLUB – NIGHT
As Dave struggles to place the girl in the picture we see a blurry memory of the stag night (similar to how he remembered the phone call) . We see Dave sitting at the booth, a topless girl sitting on his lap writhing up and down.
We head Dave on the phone repeating: “Oh and news flash for you, belly button rings are all the rage. You should get one. I’ll ask Tiffany here where she got hers” As we see the girl in heavy make-up and teased hair, the image softens to the pretty, demure school girl in the photo.
INT. DEAN’S OFFICE – DAY
DAVEYour granddaughter’s name wouldn’t
happen to be Tiffany would it?
DEAN TURNERHow, how do you know that?
(under his breath)I can’t believe she uses her real
DEAN TURNERHer real name? Of course it’s her
DAVETiffany Turner is such a stripper
DEAN TURNERDon’t make me call campus
DAVEYour sweet little Catholic school girl
granddaughter is saving up for
college by taking her clothes off.
She even wears her uniform in her
act. I’ll tell you this: she’s awfully
mature for her age.
The Dean is apoplectic with shock. Dave tosses the picture back to him and the Dean catches it
DAVE (CONT’D)Tell you what Dean, you call
Tiffany’s parents, get the girl a job
at Dairy Queen, and I’ll forget the
whole thing if you get off my back.
The Dean nods.
DAVE (CONT’D)Good. Nice meeting with you. Let’s
do it again soon.
Dave rises and walks to the door. He pauses as he opens the door.
What to go take in some peelers? Maybe not.