Dialing Under the Influence

Part 13 - The Big Finish

2008-08-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

DAVE

(suspiciously)

What were they selling?

KATHY

Who?

DAVE

The telemarketer you talked to.

KATHY

Oh..time shares

DAVE

Where?

KATHY

Uh, Baltimore.

DAVE

Baltimore?

KATHY

Yes, near the ocean.

Dave reaches for the phone. He checks the dial log.

DAVE

Shit. That was Ally calling. What did
you do Kathy?

Dave calls her back. The answering machine picks up.

DAVE (CONT’D)

She’s gone now.
Or not answering. Again.
I'm going to start running out
of chances with this girl.
What did you say?

KATHY

Oh, she just wanted to know you got
home okay. Now drink up and I’ll
take you out for a nice dinner.

She goes into his closet.

KATHY (CONT’D)

Now let's pick you out something
nice. I think we’ll have to go
shopping for some new clothes for
you Baby.

She emerges from the closet with a slightly worn brown suit.

KATHY (CONT’D)

I thought we’d go to Gaspari ’s.
Remember our first anniversary
dinner there?

DAVE

Kathy, why are you here?

KATHY

To take you to dinner Silly.

DAVE

No, really. Why are you here? And
try the truth for once.

There is a KNOCK at the door.

DAVE

You stay here. And don’t touch
anything.

Dave goes to answers the door. Standing in the hall is Toynebee fresh from his trip to Florida. He has a tan, cut offs and a straw hat. He is wearing a t-Shirt from Daytona with one of Dave’s
sayings.

Toynebee enters the apartment.

TOYNEBEE

Hey Man, saw you on TV last night.
The place I was ate you up. I was
nearly as big a celebrity as you
being your friend. Here…

Toynebee takes off his straw hat and puts it on Dave’s head.

TOYNEBEE (CONT’D)

This is for you. And…

He reaches into his bag and pulls out a coconut souvenir monkey
wearing a bikini.

DAVE

Thanks. You shouldn’t have.

TOYNEBEE

No I owe you. I got laid twice more
than I would have last night.

DAVE

How many times would that be?

TOYNEBEE

Like I’m going to tell you that. I’m a
gentleman remember?

Several packages of condoms fal l out of his jacket pocket as he leans over to zip up his bag.
Kathy enters.

KATHY

Who is it Hon? Oh it’s you.

TOYNEBEE

What is she doing here?

KATHY

I’ll be where ever I want. I don’t
have to justify myself you or any of
his other loser friends.

TOYNEBEE

I can’t leave you alone at all? When
did you get back together with The
Bitch From Hell?

KATHY

You watch yourself, or I’l l…

TOYNEBEE

Or you’ll what? Steal all my stuff,
tell me you love me then step on my
heart, drive me out to the desert
and leave me for dead with the
buzzards and the scorpions and all
the other creatures that don’t care
how a man feels inside.

DAVE

Wow, what did happen to you?

TOYNBEE

Bad breakup. Junior high. Long
story

DAVE

Anyway, I ’m not with her. She just
showed up. I don’t really know why
she’s here?

TOYNEBEE

Ask her.

DAVE

Kathy, why are you here?

KATHY

I told you silly. I want to give us
another try.

Toynebee moves in next to Dave.

TOYNEBEE

I don’t trust her. Ask again.

DAVE

Kathy, why are you really here? The
truth.

Kathy’s phone rings.

RECORDED VOICE

Hey, Kat. Kitty Kat .

KATHY

(pointing at her cell)

That’s why. I can’t believe how big
this thing is. I was so angry with
you for getting over me so easily.
But your voice is everywhere. And
now after Leno, your face could too.
And I want to be the person who
makes it happen.

DAVE

English please.

KATHY.

Dave I want to be your agent. I
think I can get you a record deal
and a national tour. This phone
message thing may only have
another few weeks on it’s own. And I
feel like I had some part in it , I
should benefit.

DAVE

Some part? You are the entire
reason it happened it all.

KATHY

Exactly! I’m glad you see that way.
As such, I think I should have more
that the regular 15%, but I’m willing
to waive that in consideration of our
long history together.

There is a KNOCK on the door. Steve lets himself in.

STEVE

Hey, Toynebee when did you get…Oh
shit! What is she doing here.

KATHY

I’m Dave’s new agent and as my first
duty I ’m going to get rid of any bad
influences in his life. Namely you
two and that other cretin who drives
that hideous RV.

She begins to step towards them to usher them out the door, but Dave steps in between.

DAVE

Stop. Kathy, I already have an
agent, God knows why, and it’s
Steve.

STEVE

Thanks Man.

DAVE

Don’t thank me yet.

As he steps past the table, he picks up the phone Kathy’s set down.

DAVE (CONT’D)

But Kathy I may have something for
you anyway.

Dave turns and huddles with Steve and Toynebee. There is some MURMERING and SHOCK as they discuss Dave’s plan. Dave turns back around to face Kathy.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Okay. Here’s the deal . I’ve empowered
Steve to negotiate terms for
whatever crazy thing you have
planned.

KATHY

I refuse to negotiate with him.

DAVE

It’s either Steve or nothing.

KATHY

Fine.

DAVE

In addition, you are to split
whatever commissions and fees for
representation equally with Steve

Kathy is about to protest but Dave raises his hand.

DAVE

But since I don’t want any profit
from this whole grizzly mess, the
two of you will be splitting 50% of
the money 30/20, with the
remaining 50% going to the United
Negro College Fund.

KATHY

Why them?

DAVE

Why not? Everybody deserves an
education.

KATHY

Fine.

DAVE

Thirdly…

KATHY

There can’t be more.

DAVE

It gets better. Included in my terms
is you getting a three record deal for
Ally with your company.

KATHY

One.

DAVE

Two.

KATHY

Fine.

DAVE

With full marketing support too, not
some discount bin label.

KATHY

Okay.

DAVE

And one for the One Hit Wonders.

This was a surprise for Steve and Toynebee. Steve tries to remain stoic, but he is pretty choked up. Toynebee slaps Dave on the back.

Kathy has given up.

KATHY

Okay. They get a record deal too.
But I expect you to honor your part .

DAVE

Sure thing. I’ll be your dancing
monkey for how ever many weeks
this ridiculous thing lasts.

KATHY

For this, I’ll do whatever I can to
make sure you are ridiculed publicly
for years.

Dave turns and gets his jacket to leave.

DAVE

You know, i f I thought you were any
good at your job, I ’d be worried
about that. Gotta go. Steve, you
make sure she doesn’t weasel out of
anything.

STEVE

You got it.

Dave leaves.

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Dave is running down the street, racing to get to Ally. He reaches the front door of the coffee shop where she is performing.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
Ally is onstage singing and playing her guitar beautifully, but no one is paying close attention. She sees Dave but continues to play. Finally she finishes. There is a smattering of applause but Dave
claps and hoots like she’s Springsteen.

ALLY

Thank you. I ’m going to take a short
break and come back.

She angrily points for Dave to come over to here.

ALLY (CONT’D)

What are you doing here?

DAVE

You won’t answer my calls. I had to
see you, I’ve got great news.

ALLY

Don’t tell me, you’re becoming
America’s next porn star.

DAVE

No, it’s about you. I saw Kathy
earlier.

ALLY

And your getting back together,
Perfect you two deserve each other I
hope you are going to be very happy.

DAVE

Will you listen? I’m not getting back
together with her. I want you.

ALLY

It looked like you wanted Jenny
McCarthy last night.

DAVE

It’s all a big misunderstanding. The
camera angles, the quick shots
made it look like that. I just wanted
to crawl inside the couch and wait
for the show to end.

ALLY

I have eyes you know.

DAVE

And they’re lovely. Kathy wanted to
be my agent and parade me around
on some crazy tour.

KATHY

I knew you were lying. You do like
this.

DAVE

Oh knock it off . She’s nuts. It won’t
last the weekend. By Sunday
morning everyone will be caught up
with some guy who drops a bowling
ball on his nuts on You Tube.

Dave takes the guitar from her, puts it down and takes her hands in his.

DAVE (CONT’D)

I only agreed to cooperate in return
for her negotiating a two record deal
with her company.

ALLY

You’re kidding?

DAVE

Nope. Steve is working out the
details with her right now.

ALLY

Are you sure that’s such a good
idea?

DAVE

When it comes to getting a deal on
something sleazy and underhanded,
there’s no one I would trust more.

ALLY

I don’ t know what to say. Don’t
think just because you went and
made everything I want come true
that I’m going to suddenly think
everything is okay with us.

Dave kisses her hand.

ALLY

Wait. What if she reneges because
she can’t book you an anything
more? Or torpedoes the whole thing
on purpose?

DAVE

I thought of that too.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out Kathy’s cell phone. He hands it to Ally.

DAVE (CONT’D)

That’s Kathy’s. I’d wager there are
plenty of photos on it of her
“escapades” with various rock stars
who don’t want to associated with a
woman like her. If she doesn’t come
through for you, They get posted to
the Net. Two can play at this game.

DAVE

I would be disappointed with you if
you did. Let’s have a cup of coffee
and see where it goes from there.

ALLY

Okay. That I can do.

She smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

The door opens and Steve, Toynebee and Picken noisily enter the coffee shop with their instruments.

PICKEN

There he is!

STEVE

Hey Hey, Davey Boy!

Ally looks at Dave quizzically.

DAVE

Oh yeah. I got a record deal for
them too.

THE END.

FINAL CREDITS

As the final credits roll , Ally and Dave sing “Baby Come Back” with the One Hit Wonders backing them up.

Part 12 - Caught in the Death Star's Tractor Beam

2008-08-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

(Please read the previous episodes before reading this posting)
Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space
Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push
Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club
Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall
Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action
Part 6 - And the Band Played On
Part 7 - You Win Some, You Lose a Few More
Part 8 - The Mexican Standoff
Part 9 - There's Never a Cop Around When you Need One
Part 10 - No Family Room in the Octagon
Part 11 - The Price of Fame

The Tonight Show appearance takes Dave's fame to new level but introduces nothing but trouble in his personal life

INT. LOCAL PUB – NIGHT
At a local pub, Kathy is watching the broadcast of Dave’s interview. Around her the crowd is really reacting to Dave and Jenny McCarthy’s antics. Kathy pulls out her cell phone and starts
dialing.

INT. LATE SHOW GREEN ROOM – NIGHT.
Dave enters the green room after the show is over. Steve is waiting for him. Dave looks white with shock.

STEVE

That was awesome. You were a little
flat when the band was playing and
you could have gone over to shake
their hands with Jay, but I think
that performance took you to the
next level .

DAVE

What level? The 'unemployed sex
fiend' level or the 'guy who was just
dumped by his girl friend' level?

STEVE

Stardom Baby! Can’t you feel the
pull of Hollywood? The doors are
going to start opening for you now.

DAVE

I don’t want those doors to open. I
want to go back to the way it was
before all this happened. I want my
privacy back I want the respect of
my students back. I want my life
back

STEVE

They never really respected you
that much anyway.

The door opens and Jenny McCarthy enters. She is not bouncy and fun like she was on the show, but is very serious. She heads straight for her gear and begins packing a bag.

STEVE

You were great Jenny. Thanks a lot
for being such a good sport.

JENNY MCCARTHY

(disinterestedly)

Mmm.

STEVE

Listen, you want to hang out for a
while?

Dave is tugging on Steve’s arm

JENNY MCCARTHY

No.

DAVE

Can we just go?

STEVE

Well, do you know of any great
places to go around here where my
buddy and I can have some fun, if
you know what I mean?

DAVE

I just want to go back to the hotel
and wait for the flight tomorrow.

JENNY MCCARTHY

Look, just because I come off like
the Playboy Bunny doesn’t mean I
want to hang out with you and your
weirdo friend here.

STEVE

But…

Jenny turns to Dave and pokes him in the chest.

JENNY MCCARTHY

Women are more than objects pal.
We’re not just tits and asses and it
really pisses me off when guys like
you get any attention for
perpetuating that stereotype.

DAVE

I’m sorry?

JENNY MCCARTHY

Now get out of my way

Jenny leaves.

STEVE

But she was a Playboy Bunny.

Leno appears at the door.

LENO

Great segment Dave. Let my staff
know what you are up to and we’ll
have you back on.

DAVE

No.

Leno disappears. Steve hustles after him

STEVE

Don’t listen to him Mr. Leno. We’ve
got a website and videos and an
action figure and a kids book series...

Steve can no longer be heard down the hall. Dave takes his jacket from the rack and walks out of the Green Room.

INT. DAVE’S HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT.
Dave dials Ally’s number. He lets it ring. We hear the answering

machine pick up.

ALLY (MESSAGE VOICE)

Hi, I’m not in right now. Leave a
message.

DAVE

Hi Ally. I hope you didn’t see the
Tonight Show, well, tonight. If you
taped it, just erase it…

INT. ALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT.
Ally is sitting on the couch looking at the answering machine as Dave leave’s his message.

DAVE (VOICE ON MACHINE)

I guess it was too embarrassing. I’m
staying at the Sheraton 555-2763,
room 701. Call me anytime. I’m
likely not going to sleep tonight

She presses the ERASE button.

INT. AIRPORT DEPARTURE LOUNGE – DAY.
Dave is calling Ally again but hangs up without leaving a message.

INT. AIRPLANE – DAY.
Steve and Dave are sitting side by side on the plane. Steve has headphones on watching the in-flight entertainment. Dave is looking at a magazine but not concentrating. The broadcast changes to news highlights from the world of entertainment.

Immediately every screen in the plane is showing what looks like Dave dancing erotically with Jenny McCarthy. Steve pokes Dave with his elbow.

DAVE

Oh my God. Is that what it looked
like?

Steve takes off his headphones.

STEVE

What?

DAVE

Did I really look like that on the
show? You’d think I was enjoying it.

STEVE

Weren’t you?

DAVE
(shouting)

No!

Several people turn around and recognize him. There is MURMURING that begins around him.

DAVE (CONT’D)
(whispering)

No. I was just standing there
wishing the whole thing to end.

A woman walks by and gives Dave a dirty look.

DAVE (CONT’D)

And if Ally saw this, she already
things I’m a big pervert.

STEVE

I’ve been called worse.

DAVE

You are worse. Let me use your cell

phone.

A 12 year old boy walks by and recognizes Dave

BOY

Alright! Can I have your autograph?

DAVE

Just keep walking.

BOY

Jerk.

Dave dials and gets Ally’s answering machine

DAVE (CONT’D)

Ally! I just saw the show. It wasn’t
what it looks like.

The flight attendant walks over.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Sir, you can’ t use cell phones
during the flight.

DAVE

This will just take a minute.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Sir, just because you’re a celebrity
doesn’t mean you can do what ever
you want.

DAVE

But I ’m not a celebrity…

A college age boy walks by.

COLLEGE KID

Dude you’re the coolest. Can I take
a picture with you?

Before Dave can answer, the kid leans into the row and takes a picture of the two of them with his cell phone.

COLLEGE KID (CONT’D)

Thanks Big Daddy.

He walks on down the aisle to show his buddies. The flight attendant is standing with her hands on her hips looking very upset.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

I took away Jude Law’s phone. Do I
have to take yours away too, “Big
Daddy”?

DAVE

I’l l hang up.

Without saying goodbye, Dave closes the phone and hands it back to Steve.

STEVE

Is Jude Law still a celebrity?

INT. AIRPORT, VARIOUS – DAY.
Dave and Steve leave the plane, walk through the airport and retrieve their luggage. Dave is recognized repeatedly, cell phones ring around him and people ask for autographs and pictures with him.

As they walk through the crowds, Dave looks like he just want someone to shoot him.

EXT. AIRPORT DEPARTURE ENTRANCE – DAY.
Dave and Steve emerge from the airport and are standing on the curb with their luggage. Picken’s RV pulls up in a cloud of EXHAUST. The door flings open and Picken emerges.

PICKEN

Welcome home boys. Let’s Rock and
Roll

Dave tosses his bags up to Picken, then climbs in the RV. Steve follows. The door closes and the RV pulls away.

INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT.
Dave is unpacking when there is a KNOCK at the front door.

DAVE

It’s open!

He keeps unpacking without looking up.

KATHY

We sure had a lot of good times in
this room, didn’t we?

Dave looks up with shock. Kathy is standing in the door of his bedroom. She is dressed in a
tight black skirt and jacket with plenty of cleavage. Her hair is down and she is holding a bottle of Dom Perignon against her hip.

DAVE

Kathy? What , what are you doing
here?

KATHY

I wanted to congratulate you on
your hit TV experience.

DAVE

Not you too? Everyday keeps getting
worse. And this is all your fault .

KATHY

Fault? I would think you would want
to thanks me. You have the world at
your finger tips right now: fame,
fortune anything you want could be
yours. You just have to ask.

She slides up to him sexily.

KATHY (CONT’D)

You could ask me...

DAVE

What are you saying?

KATHY

Maybe breaking up wasn’t such a
good idea. I miss you Dave. I’ve
been thinking we should give us
another chance. We were pretty good
together weren’t we.

Kathy runs her hand up his arm.

DAVE

There were times sure. But I’m with
Ally now. At least I thought I was.

KATHY

Aw, poor baby. What happened?

She POPS the champagne and pours two glasses.

DAVE

Every time we are getting along, this
stupid ring tone thing throws
another curve and I scare her off. I
can’t control it and I think the
Tonight Show will have put her over
the edge.

Kathy hands him a glass. She clinks hers on his.

KATHY

I don’ t think Ally is ready for a man
like you. You are destined for
stardom while she is playing sad

folk guitar in half empty coffee houses.

As she takes a sip from her glass, Kathy pushes the bottom of his towards his lips. Dave takes a sip.

DAVE

No, she thinks I’m this titty loving
freak and she just wants a normal
boyfriend. I gotta take a leak.

Dave puts down his glass, goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. Kathy rushes to the mirror, checks her makeup and hair, and pushes her breasts out a little bit more.

The telephone RINGS. Kathy answers it.

KATHY

Hello?

ALLY (ON PHONE)

Kathy?

KATHY
(brightly)

Oh hi Ally. Long time.

ALLY (ON PHONE)

What are you doing there?

KATHY

Oh, didn’t Dave tell you? We’re
trying to work it out and give “us”
another try.

ALLY (ON PHONE)

Oh…

KATHY

I really have to thank you for taking
care of my man for those few weeks.
We’ll have to have you over for
dinner some time. I know lots of
nice single men.

The toilet FLUSHES.

KATHY (CONT’D)

I’ll let you go Ally. Stay in touch.
Bye.

Kathy hangs up just as Dave comes out of the bathroom. Kathy hands him his glass again.

KATHY (CONT’D)

Now where were we?

DAVE

Did you just answer my phone?

KATHY

Oh, yeah. It was just some
telemarketer. Sorry, force of habit .

INT. ALLY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
We see her packing her guitar case for a show, half angry, half crying.

FADE OUT.

Part 11 - The Price of Fame

2008-08-17T13:28:00.000-07:00

(Please read the previous parts before reading this posting)
Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space
Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push
Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club
Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall
Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action
Part 6 - And the Band Played On
Part 7 - You Win Some, You Lose a Few More
Part 8 - The Mexican Standoff
Part 9 - There's Never a Cop Around When you Need One
Part 10 - No Family Room in the Octagon

Dave can't simply enjoy his newfound relationship with Ally while the Show Biz Siren keeps calling.

INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
The light in the room is very low, cast only by a single lamp that now has Ally’s blouse draped over it. Strewn about the floor by the couch are other items of clothes: Dave’s khakis, Ally’s jeans, a pair of boxers.

There is a loud KNOCK on the door.

STEVE (O.C.)

Dave! Dave, open the door.

A very startled looking Dave emerges from under a blanket on the couch.

DAVE

Huh?

The knocking has turned to POUNDING.

STEVE (O.C.)

C’mon man open up.

We can hear someone else has come into the hallway.

STEVE (O.C.)

Oh, hey, hey Ma’am? Excuse me. Do
you know if Dave Morgan is home? -
- The man who lives here?

Pause. There are inaudible MURMURINGS from in the hallway.

STEVE (O.C.)

Then what the hell good are you?
Stop wasting my time.

We hear high-pitched INDIGNATION.

STEVE (O.C.)

Oh nice, very ladylike. You touch
your grandkids with that finger?

Steve bangs on the door again. Dave rises and tries to pull the blanket with him, to cover up, but
we now see Ally trying to pull it back to keep covered.

ALLY

Hey!

DAVE

Sorry.

Dave reaches down and fumbles for his boxers. Pull ing on a T-shirt, he walks to the door. Dave opens the door and Steve BARGES into the apartment already in mid-sentence.

STEVE

…will be here first thing in the
morning so you’ll need to be ready.
How long will it take you to pack?

DAVE

Pack? What for? What will be here
first thing?

STEVE

The cab.

Dave looks blankly at his frenzied buddy.

STEVE (CONT’D)

The cab to take us to the airport.
Don’t you ever check your phone
messages?

DAVE

I don’ t want to talk about phone
messages.

Steve begins to throw articles of clothing off the coffee table looking for the answering machine. He has not yet looked at the blanket covered body but greets Ally like it is no big deal she is
under there naked.

STEVE

Hi Ally.

Ally pul ls down a corner of the blanket revealing her face surrounded by obvious post-sex hair.

ALLY

Hi Steve.

She rises from the couch, carefully wrapping the blanket around her.

ALLY (CONT’D)

Dave, I think I’m gonna go.

She grabs her jeans and the shirt off the lamp and heads for the bathroom.

DAVE

Thanks a lot Steve . You have really

lousy timing. Why are you always here
anyway? I should start making you
chip in on rent. You are the worst
non-roommate I ever had.

Steve has found the answering machine a PRESSES the button.

STEVE (ON ANSWERING MACHINE)

Hey Buddy. Pack your bags. You and
I are flying all expenses paid to LA
to be on the Tonight Show. Call me
when you get this message.

The message ends with a BEEP and Steve’s voice is heard again.

STEVE (ON ANSWERING MACHINE)

Dave. Pick up man. You need to let
me know about the trip.

Again the message ends with a BEEP and Steve’s voice is heard again.

STEVE (ON ANSWERING MACHINE)

Dammit Dave. Answer your fucking
phone!

Steve starts hitting the button deleting messages.

STEVE

And it goes on like that for a while.
So what are you waiting for? Let’s
go.

Ally emerges from the bathroom put back together and looking sexy.

ALLY

Where are you going?

STEVE

Dave is going to the a guest on Leno
tomorrow.

DAVE

No I’m not. I’m not going to give this
stupid thing anymore airtime. It’s
ruining my life.

STEVE

What are you talking about. This
may be the greatest thing that ever
happened to you. To any of us.

DAVE

It’s no where near the greatest
thing…

Dave looks longingly at Ally. She smiles.

DAVE (CONT’D)

And what do you mean “us”, Steve?

STEVE

C’mon, don’t talk to your agent like
that.

DAVE

Agent?

STEVE

Yeah. I worked out a real sweet
deal. They wanted you to be on a
lame show with kid inventors and
some crappy alt rock band. Thanks
to me, you follow Jenny McCarthy
and the musical guest is Foo
Fighters. This gig will break “Big
Daddy” wide open.

DAVE

Since when are you my agent? Can’t
you decide on a job? 15 years I’ve
known you and you can’t do the
same thing for more than 6 months.
Now go home.

ALLY

I think you should do it.

Both men are stunned.

DAVE & STEVE

What?

ALLY

You heard me. This is a once in a
lifetime chance. So it’s not a chance
you ever wanted. Big deal . The
opportunity has presented itself.
You could turn the whole crazy
thing into a positive.

DAVE

Are you sure? All my students will
see it. The Dean, the rest of the
faculty…

ALLY

All I know is you never get many
breaks, especial ly in show business.
So fine, you don’t want to be a
celebrity, interest in you will fade
whether you choose to participate or
not. But you can decide how you
want to be remembered. And you
never know where it might lead.

STEVE

I knew I liked this girl . So what do
you say? Can I call Leno’s people?

DAVE
(with resignation)

What time do we leave?

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – NIGHT
The Tonight Show Band is playing during a commercial break. Jay Leno and his guest Jenny McCarthy are cracking each other up when they come back from commercial.

JAY LENO

Okay. Many of you will know our
next guest as the voice of the most
downloaded ringtone of all time. Is
that really a category we’re tracking
now? So let’s put a face to the voice.
Please welcome Big Daddy himself,
Dave Morgan.

The band plays “Call Me” by Blondie as Dave cautiously comes around the curtain. The audience gives him enthusiastic APPLAUSE as Jay walks forward to shake Dave’s hand. Dave continues on to the desk where he reaches to shake Jenny McCarthy’s hand but she surprises him by leaning in for a big Hollywood hug.

Dave is caught with his free hand pressed up against her chest. As she pulls back, he accidentally rips her microphone clip from her blouse.

LENO

I guess you really do like the Big
Boobies.

The audience laughs. Dave embarrassedly tries to reattach the microphone only to have it appear he is still groping her. McCarthy seems to enjoy the attention.

DAVE

I’m so sorry. That was an accident.
Here, let me get this back on.

JENNY MCCARTHY

I haven’t been fondled this much
since Hef lost his glasses in the
grotto. And he wears contacts.

The audience laughs. A sound technician appears on stage and expertly shoves Dave out of the way as he reattaches the microphone.

Dave sits down.

DAVE

I apologize. I don’t know what
happened.

LENO

Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t look
like she minded too much.

JENNY MCCARTHY

I won’t be pressing charges if that ’s
what you mean.

The audience laughs.

INT. PICKEN’S BEAT-UP RV – RV.
Picken and Toynebee are watching the show on a little TV.

TOYNEBEE
Nice.

They high five each other.

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – NIGHT

LENO

Now doing voice over work isn’t your
regular job. You’re a college
professor, right?

DAVE

Yes.

LENO

Did you want to give a shout out to
your students.

DAVE

I’d rather not say which school if
that’s okay.

LENO

Is it sex ed you teach?

DAVE

No, Cultural Anthropology.

JENNY MCCARTHY
(flirty)

I bet you are the most popular
teacher on campus.

INT. COLLEGE DORM COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
The common room is packed with kids on couches, chairs and sitting on the floor watching the broadcast . They are all wearing Steve’s novelty T-shirts, each with a di fferent ring tone slogan.
They cheer when McCarthy says Dave is popular.

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – NIGHT

DAVE

Um, I ’m not sure, there is
sometimes a waiting list but it
always seems like there are plenty
of empty seats after the first week
or so. I try not to take that
personally.

The audience laughs.

LENO

Now I’d like you to tell us how you
came to be the person we hear
everyday when our cellphones ring…

DAVE

I wish I knew.

LENO

But for those people who aren’t
aware of your claim to fame, We’ve
put together a little sampling of
your work.

DAVE

Oh please, don’t play…

RECORDED VOICE

“I love the big boobies.”
“Hey Kat , Kitty Kat .”
“This is Big Daddy.”
“Belly button rings are all the rage”

The audience is laughing riotously. Dave is holding his face in his hands.

LENO

And I think this one is my personal
favorite.

RECORDED VOICE

"There’s big boobies in my face right
now."

Jenny McCarthy stands and turns to Dave, giving him a little dance whipping the audience into a frenzy. The band beings to PLAY “Cherry Pie” by Poison as she mimics a stripper. Leno starts clapping in time to the music.

DAVE

Please sit down.

McCarthy reaches down, takes Dave by the hands and pulls him to his feet. He stands awkwardly as she dances around him like he’s a pole.

INT. ALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Ally is watching Dave’s performance and turns off the television with some disgust. Her telephone RINGS.

ALLY

Hello? Oh Hi Mom. No he is
definitely not my boyfriend.

FADE OUT.

Part 10 - No Family Room in the Octagon

2008-08-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

(Please read the previous parts before reading this posting)
Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space
Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push
Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club
Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall
Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action
Part 6 - And the Band Played On
Part 7 - You Win Some, You Lose a Few More
Part 8 - The Mexican Standoff
Part 9 - There's Never a Cop Around When you Need One

Dinner with the family is always stressful, but especially when you are the infamous Big Daddy.

EXT. DAVE’S PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dave and Ally are walking up the front walk to the porch of a tidy suburban house. Dave hangs his head and shoulders as they step to the front door.

ALLY

Someday you’ll laugh about this
Dave. You really will .

DAVE

I don’ t want to talk about it. Let’s
just get through this. Okay?

Dave rings the bell.

ALLY

At least you got off without a ticket.

The door opens to reveal Dave’s brother Tyler.

TYLER

You got a ticket? Dude, what’d you
do?

DAVE

Nothing. Just a big
misunderstanding

Tyler has already left the door and gone down the front hall.

TYLER
Mom! Dave got arrested!

From down the hall, we hear Dave’s mother’s shocked response.

MRS. MORGAN (O.C.)

What?! Oh David! What have you
done now?

There is a COMMOTION from the hall . An older woman is crawling along the edge of the doorway between the foyer and the living room. This is Dave’s GRANDMOTHER. Behind her follows Dave’s mom.

MRS. MORGAN

Mom, stand up. Oh, hi David.

DAVE

Hi Mom. I’d like you to meet…

MRS. MORGAN

Mom!

GRANDMA

What are you going to do about this
floor Helen?

MRS. MORGAN

What do you mean what are we
going to do? The house is
lovely. Please get up off the floor
Mother.

DAVE

Mom? I have someone I want you to
meet.

Neither woman is paying any attention to Dave or the guest. Dave shrugs and mouths “I’m sorry” to Ally.

GRANDMA

Well they’re different heights.

MRS. MORGAN

It’s a quarter of an inch Mom.

GRANDMA

You don’t want it to be uneven. It
shouldn’t have a lip. Someone could
trip.

MRS. MORGAN

Who’s going to trip?

GRANDMA

You could have someone over for
cocktails, and they have Dropfoot.
You know, that disorder where they
can’t lift their feet. Someone with
Dropfoot could fall on
your floor.

MRS. MORGAN

Oh Honestly Mom. David, can you
help your grandmother to the table
please?

DAVE

(to Ally)

Are you sure you still want to be
with me?

Ally takes his hand and leads him in.

ALLY

Let’s see how we do until the next
crisis.

They enter and close the door just as Dave’s mother and aunt come rushing towards them.

INT. DAVE’S AUNT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dave, Ally, Tyler, Dave’s parents, Grandma, Dave’s aunt and uncle and his 18 year old cousin Bridget are sitting around the table eating and laughing.

TYLER

I just can’ t believe you would walk
away from all that money Ally. I
mean, if I had a job making that
much money…

DAVE

If you a job making any money…

TYLER

I’m not talking to you Mr. Pornstar.

DAVE’S AUNT

(to Mrs. Morgan)

Why does he keep calling David
that?

ALLY

It’s not about the money, Tyler. It’s
about doing something with my life
that has some meaning for me. I
always wanted to be a singer and I
figured it wasn’t going to happen if I
just waited around for it .

TYLER

Well all I know is, you’re not going
to be satisfied by The Professor here
unless he moves beyond selling T-shirts
on campus.

Dave stands from the table

DAVE

I’ve had it . You can talk trash about
me but not my girl friend.

Ally looks shocked by Dave taking such a stand. Tyler is still seated.

MRS. MORGAN

Well I for one think it is very brave
to start out on a new path like that .
I wish I had decided to do something
I wanted to do when I was your age.

MR. MORGAN

What does that mean?

TYLER

(with shock)

Yeah Ma, what do you mean?

Dave begins to sit down. But just before he is down, Tyler’s phone rings with Dave’s voice.

RECORDED VOICE

This is Mr. Tiny Penis…

DAVE

That’s it!

Dave launches himself across the table and attacks Tyler in flurry of napkins and cutlery.

INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dave and Ally are sitting on the couch in his apartment. She is applying a cold cloth to a large red mark above his left eye.

ALLY

That was very sweet but I don’t
think we’re quite ready for the
“girl friend/boyfriend” thing.

DAVE

Apparently I ’m not ready for the
“Ultimate Fighting” thing either.

ALLY

It might have been more effective if
you actually had made contact with
your brother before you pushed your
aunt into the sideboard.

DAVE

Do you think she‘s still mad?

ALLY

It depends on how successful the
doctor is reattaching her finger tip.

DAVE

I’ve never seen a cat run so fast
with something in it’s mouth.
(beat)
Now about this girl friend/boyfriend
thing, maybe we shouldn’t get so
hung up on the nomenclature.

ALLY

Maybe.

DAVE

After all , I’m just coming out of a
long term relationship,

ALLY

With a bad breakup.

DAVE

The worst .

ALLY

And I need to focus on my career.

DAVE

So you wouldn’t have time for
anything serious anyway.

ALLY

None.

DAVE

The only thing is Ally, when I’m not
with you, I’m thinking about how
long it is until I am. And when I am
with you, it doesn’t seem to last
long enough.

Ally moves closer to him.

ALLY

So there’s nothing I can do to make
you happy?

DAVE

I guess not.

ALLY

I never figured you for being “High
Maintenance”.

Ally and Dave kiss.

FADE OUT.

Part 9 - There's Never A Cop Around When You Need One

2008-08-11T11:12:00.000-07:00

(Please read the previous parts before reading this posting)

Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space

Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push

Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club

Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall

Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action

Part 6 - And the Band Played On

Part 7 - You Win Some, You Lose a Few More

Part 8 - The Mexican Standoff

Dave and Ally patch things up, but the Law gets in the way of the path to bliss.

INT. GROCERY STORE – AFTERNOON
Dave and Ally are shopping.

DAVE

I’m sorry about the whole thing.

ALLY

(playfully)

You should be.

DAVE

I never should have lied to you…or
kept this from you or…

ALLY

Never mind. It’s all in the past.
When it all happened we didn’t even
like each other, so water under the
bridge.

DAVE

Spilled milk?

ALLY

Exactly. And besides, you’ve got this
whole phone sex scandal thing to
deal with.

DAVE

Don’t remind me. It does feel like
I’m forgetting something. Oh crap.
I’m supposed to have dinner with
my folks tonight.

ALLY

Okay.

DAVE

Okay what?

ALLY

Okay, I’ll have dinner with your
folks.

DAVE

Oh, you don’t want to do that…

ALLY

Why not? Are you embarrassed of
me?

DAVE

You? No. Of them? You bet.

ALLY

I’m going to have to meet them
sometime.

DAVE

Geez. You move fast. We were just
broken up and…

ALLY

You thought we were broken up?
Wow. Kathy must have had you
wrapped up pretty tight. That was
just a fight. I’ll let you in on how
the whole relationship thing works
as we "work the steps".

DAVE

Like AA. Good to know. Okay, Crazy
Morgans, here we come.

Dave pulls a U-turn and heads off to Mom and Dad’s.

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Steve is walking along the street. He has several of his T-shirts slung over his shoulder. He is speaking rapidly into his cell phone.

STEVE
No, he won’t be going on third… No,
and not on the night with the kid
bird callers…Look, you want Big
Daddy, then he comes with some
conditions…Who else do you have?
Okay, she’s red hot right now. And
following? No. No stand ups. It has
to be a band…No, they suck.
Because they suck. You should be
embarrassed to even consider
having them on …

CUT TO:

INT/EXT. DAVE’S CAR – NIGHT
Dave and Ally are driving to his parents for dinner.

ALLY

The investment firm called again.

DAVE

They want you back pretty bad.

ALLY

(pouting)

Can you blame them?

DAVE

Nope. I wouldn’t let you go without
a fight either. Thanks for saying
“No.”

ALLY

Don’t get too high on yourself. I
didn’t turn them down just for your
sake. I’m not giving up on the
guitar…not just yet anyway.
( looking out the window)
Can’t give my mother the
satisfaction of saying “I told you
so”. Cow.

DAVE

Speaking of cows, any word from
Kathy?

ALLY

None. Haven’t heard from her since the
night she ambushed us. She moved out
when I wasn’t home the next day, and
that was it. At least she didn’t steal
anything.

DAVE

I still can’t believe she was the one who
emailed my phone message.

Ally pats Dave on the knee.

ALLY

Don’t worry. People like that get what’s
coming to them.

DAVE

But what poetic justice is there for
passing on drunk voice mails?

ALLY

Life threatening viral infection.

DAVE

In her just laptop or straight to her
kidneys?

Ally laughs.

Through the rear window, the lights of a police car FLASH. The brief blare of the HORN sounds indicating a pull-over.

DAVE (CONT’D)

You have to be kidding me.

ALLY

Just take it easy.

Dave pulls the car over to the side of the road and shuts off the engine. Behind the police car comes to a stop. The cruiser door opens and the STATE TROOPER gets out, walking slowly to Dave’s open window.

TROOPER

Evening folks. You know why I pulled
you over?

DAVE

Um sorry Officer. I don’t think I was
speeding.

TROOPER

You got a taillight out and it looks like your
plates are expired.

DAVE

Oh no. You know Officer, I’d been
meaning to get to that, but I just got
busy. I even have the form filled out
here.

Dave lunges across the seat to the glove box, nearly knocking Ally out of the way. He pops open the little door and rummages through the insurance and licensing documents.

With Dave's sudden movement, the Trooper has crouched and drawn his sidearm.

Dave reappears at the car window with the document and holds it out to the Trooper.

DAVE (CONT’D)

See, here it is. All filled out. Ready to
mail in.

Dave shakes it about until the Trooper holsters his weapon takes the papers from him.

TROOPER

It’s no good in your glove compartment
Sir. Need's to be on your license
plate.

DAVE

C’mon Officer, can’ t you give a guy a
break?

TROOPER

I’m afraid…wait a second. Why do I know
your voice?

DAVE

(whispering)

Oh no.

TROOPER

Do you do those truck ads? No don’t tell
me...

DAVE

You don’t know me from anywhere,
sorry. Why don’t you just give me the
ticket, and we’ll be on our way?

TROOPER

Oh this is driving me crazy.

The Trooper turns and shouts to his partner.

TROOPER (CONT’D)

Hey Mark! Mark c’mere and tell me
where I know this guy from.

The SECOND TROOPER walks to Ally’s side window and shines the flashlight at her before walking slowly around the hood of the car and comes to Dave’s window. The second trooper is a burly, unfriendly looking man with his mouth almost completely hidden below a thick moustache.

TROOPER TWO

Doesn’t look familiar. You a registered
sex offender?

DAVE

This only gets worse.

TROOPER

No, I’ve heard him on something.

TROOPER TWO

911 calls?

TROOPER

No like TV. Say something to my partner
Sir.

DAVE

Anything in particular? How about
‘goodbye’?

TROOPER TWO

Oh a smart guy. Maybe you’ll talk better
down at the station.

ALLY

(whispering)

Just say it Dave.

DAVE

Please tell me you aren’t serious.

ALLY

This is only going to get worse.

DAVE

Okay. But just remember this was your
idea. Hey guys? “I love the big boobies.”

TROOPER TWO

Okay Freakshow. Out of the car.

The second Trooper reaches through the car window and starts to pull Dave through it. Dave begins to shout cl ips from his phone message as he struggles against the big police officer.

DAVE

Hey Kat, Kitty Kat. So here’s Mister
Tiny Prick. This is Big Daddy. I love
the big boobies. I love the BIG
BOOBIES!

TROOPER

You’re the ring tone guy! Mark let
him go. Let him go.

After some convincing, the second Trooper reluctantly releases Dave, who slides back into his seat.

The first Trooper pulls out a cell phone from his flack vest. He hits a button and we hear Dave say “Belly button rings are all the rage.”

TROOPER (CONT’D)

That one’s my favorite.

DAVE

(reluctantly)

Thanks. Can I go now?

TROOPER

Would you do me a favor? Please?

Dave sighs.

DAVE

Sure. Why not?

TROOPER

Would you say something to the guys
down at the station?

The first Trooper turns away from the car and we hear him speak into his radio. The second Trooper does not take his suspicious gaze away from Dave the whole time. His fingers drum eagerly on the hilt of his holstered pistol. The first Trooper re-appears at the window and sticks the radio mouthpiece in Dave’s face.

TROOPER (CONT’D)

Okay. Do your thing.

DAVE

( flatly)

Hey Kat, Kitty Kat. I love the big
boobies.

TROOPER

C’mon, you can do better than that.
Like you did when Mark was hauling
you out the car window like a rag
doll .

Dave sighs before taking a big breath and performing his repertoire.

DAVE

There’s big boobies in my face right
now.

TROOPER

All right!

DAVE

Belly button rings are all the rage.

INT.POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Several police officers are gathered around the radio loudspeaker. Dave’s voice comes through the speaker with plenty of static.

DAVE (O.C.)

Hey Kitty Cat . This is Big Daddy.

The cops all break into riots of laughter.

TROOPER (O.C.)

Do the tiny prick one.

DAVE (O.C.)

Do I have to?

TROOPER (O.C.)

C’mon, be a sport.

DAVE (O.C.)

Man… So here’s Mister Tiny prick
saying good bye.

The cops HOOT again. Two high five each other.

TROOPER (O.C.)

That’s what I ’m talking about!

DAVE (O.C.)

Can I go now?

TROOPER (O.C.)

C'mon, just one more...

FADE OUT ON RADIO SPEAKER.

Part 8 - The Mexican Standoff

2008-08-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

(Please read the previous parts before reading this posting)

Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space

Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push

Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club

Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall

Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action

Part 6 - And the Band Played On

Part 7 - You Win Some, You Lose a Few More

Dave's notoriety continues to build while life on campus becomes more difficult.

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – DAY
Dave is walking back across the campus after his embarrassing chair climbing display. He passes near one of the parking lots and sees Steve standing by his car. As he walks closer, Dave can see the trunk of the car is open.

There is a cluster of students around the open trunk. Closer still , Dave can see Steve has the phone message shirts from earlier displayed on hangers all around the open trunk.

STEVE

Special offer today guys. Fifteen
bucks for one, twenty five for two.

DAVE

What are you doing?

STEVE

Kids, this is a real honor. Big Daddy
himself is here. For an extra five
dollars the man who loves big
boobies will autograph each one.
How’s that?

The group mummers their assent.

DAVE

I’m not signing anything.

STEVE

What if I let you keep the five
bucks?

Dave slams the trunk scattering the T-shirts on the ground. Steve has to duck out of the way to avoid having his fingers caught.

STEVE (CONT'D)

Hey, watch what you’re doing.
You’re going to wreck all my
merchandise.

KID IN CROWD

Whoa, not very cool Professor
Morgan.

DAVE

Don’t you guys have class, or
studying or an extasy rave to go to?
Go on.

The kids shuffle off reluctantly.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Why are you doing this to me? This
is where I work? I have to stand up
in front of these kids everyday and
they are not going to listen to me if
they think I’m thinking about their
tits. Well , half of them. I hate to
consider what the male half of the
room is thinking about.

Steve begins to pick up his shirts from the ground.

STEVE

This isn’t personal , it’s just
business.

DAVE

Of course it’s personal , it’s my life.

STEVE

It’s my life too Dave. This may all be
over in a week. I’ve got to make the
money now.

DAVE

Knowing you, you’d think of a way
to keep it going longer. Don’t call
me for awhile.

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – VARIOUS
The phone message has taken on a life of it’s own. Now there are posters not just on campus, but in town too.

INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dave is slouched on his couch watching a late night talk show host.

HOST (ON TV)

Have you heard of this Big Boobies
ring tone that’s sweeping across the
country?

There is laughter and an applause of acknowledgment from the audience.

HOST (ON TV) (CONT’D)

This guy tells his ex-girl friend what
he really liked about her and she
showed her appreciation by having
it posted on the Internet. Did we
learn nothing from the Clinton
Administration?

Riotous laughter erupts.

HOST (ON TV) (CONT’D)

And it’s not just Big Boobies; there
are several ring tones about all
aspects of sex. Or should I say
positions.

The audience hoot luridly.

HOST (ON TV) (CONT’D)

There are so many ring tones, Paris
Hilton went out and bought a
different cell phone so she could hear
each one.

Riotous laughter erupts.

HOST (ON TV) (CONT’D)
Has anyone listened to the whole
message? Apparently the guy tried
to call Dr. Phil for help, but Dr. Phil
wouldn’t take the call when he saw
it was from “Big Daddy”.

Riotous laughter erupts with applause.

DAVE

Oh please. Those jokes aren’t even
funny.

Dave turns off the TV. He picks up the phone and begins to call Ally, but decides against it and goes to bed.

INT. DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY
Dave comes into his office in the morning. He sees the red message light on his phone is BLINKING. He sighs and puts down his case heavily.

DAVE (TO HIMSELF)

That’s never good news.

Dave presses the speaker function and dials in to get his message.

MESSAGE VOICE

You have two new messages.
Message one:

ALLY (VOICE ON PHONE)

Hi Dave. I’m sorry I didn’t call . I’ve
been thinking and I’m sure you have
probably suffered enough with this
thing. And, well , I miss you. Call
me.

DAVE

Yes! Maybe this will be a good day.

MESSAGE VOICE

Message two:

SECRETARY (VOICE ON PHONE)

Dr. Morgan, the Dean would like to
see you. Your class schedule shows
you are free at 10:30. Please contact
me if this is not possible.

DAVE

Or maybe not.

INT. OFFICE OF THE DEAN – DAY
Dave enters the Dean’s office. The secretary that left the phone
message is sitting in the anteroom. She is busy typing.

DAVE

Excuse me. I’m hear to see Dean
Turner. I’m…

SECRETARY

(with disdain)

I know who you are. Everyone does.
You should be ashamed of yourself.

DAVE

It’s all a big misunderstanding,
really.

SECRETARY

You can go in, but try not to touch
anything.

DAVE

Okay.

As he passes, he drags a finger across her desk. We hear the secretary INHALE sharply.

Dave opens the door to the Dean’s off ice and enters. Behind him, the secretary has grabbed a spray bottle of cleaner and is wiping her desk down.

The Dean is reading a file. It is a plush, well appointed office with plenty of books and comfortable leather armchairs.

DAVE

Dean Turner?

DEAN TURNER

Professor Morgan. Come in.

Dave steps towards an overstuffed leather armchair in front of the Dean's desk. He begins to sit, but is interrupted by the Dean midway to the seat.

DEAN TURNER (CONT’D)

Don’t sit. This won’t take long.

DAVE

(awkwardly)

Okay…

Dave slowly straightens up.

DEAN TURNER

How long have you been with this
institution?

DAVE
Six years Sir. Not counting my
undergraduate four years before I
went to Stanford for my graduate
work.

DEAN TURNER

So nearly ten years.

DAVE

Yes Sir.

DEAN TURNER

And in a l that time did you come to
think of this university as a place of
loose morals?

DAVE

No Sir.

DEAN TURNER

Or perhaps an establishment rife in
practitioners of lascivious behavior?
Or a place to “get your freak on”, as
you people say these days?

DAVE

No Sir. No one I know would use
that phrase. Maybe my friend
Toynebee does but I’m pretty sure
he has a mental condition. Mild and
treatable but still…

The Dean raises his hand and Dave stops his embarrassed rambling.

DEAN TURNER

Professor Morgan, we have always
had a certain tolerance for
immature behavior from the
students, but it cannot be tolerated
from the staff.

DAVE

Sir, I understand and i f you’ll let me
explain…

DEAN TURNER

As much as I don’t like it, a
professor’s private life is his own
business, but when you begin to
make your questionable lifestyle
public…

DAVE

I wouldn’t go so far as to call my
lifestyle “questionable”...

DEAN TURNER

Or attempt to at tack a student
during class…

DAVE

I think “attack” is a pretty strong
word…

DEAN TURNER

Or hoping to profit from your
deplorable conduct…

Dean Turner holds up one of Steve’s T-shirts.

DEAN TURNER (CONT’D)

Then we have to re-consider your
association here.

DAVE

The T-shirts aren’t mine. The whole
stupid thing is a friend of mine's
demented idea of capitalism.

DEAN TURNER

Another of these friends you “hang
out” with at your “gentlemen’s
clubs”?

DAVE

That night wasn’t even my idea.

Dean Turner tosses a stack of papers across his desk towards Dave.

DEAN TURNER

All those letters are from parents
upset that we would employ a man
of your character here.

The Dean tosses a pile of phone message slips.

DEAN TURNER (CONT’D)

And that’s a fraction of the phone
cal ls from alumni threatening to
pull their donations. Do you realize
you don’t have tenure here yet?

DAVE

Yes Sir. I mean, no Sir. I… I don’t
know what to say.

Dave moves to pick up the stack of letters. He notices that the Dean has knocked over a small picture on his desk. Dave picks it up. It is a picture of a beautiful girl around fi fteen, dressed in a
school uniform.

DEAN TURNER

Put that down. That’s a picture of
my granddaughter.

There is something familiar about the girl in the picture, but he can’t think of what it is.

DEAN TURNER (CONT"D)

Morgan, she’s not the sort of girl
you should be thinking about.

CUT TO:

INT. STRIP CLUB – NIGHT
As Dave struggles to place the girl in the picture we see a blurry memory of the stag night (similar to how he remembered the phone call) . We see Dave sitting at the booth, a topless girl sitting on his lap writhing up and down.

We head Dave on the phone repeating: “Oh and news flash for you, belly button rings are all the rage. You should get one. I’ll ask Tiffany here where she got hers” As we see the girl in heavy make-up and teased hair, the image softens to the pretty, demure school girl in the photo.

CUT TO:

INT. DEAN’S OFFICE – DAY

DAVE

Your granddaughter’s name wouldn’t
happen to be Tiffany would it?

DEAN TURNER

How, how do you know that?

DAVE

(under his breath)

I can’t believe she uses her real
name.

DEAN TURNER

Her real name? Of course it’s her
real name.

DAVE

Tiffany Turner is such a stripper
name.

DEAN TURNER

Don’t make me call campus
security.

DAVE

Your sweet little Catholic school girl
granddaughter is saving up for
college by taking her clothes off.
She even wears her uniform in her
act. I’ll tell you this: she’s awfully
mature for her age.

The Dean is apoplectic with shock. Dave tosses the picture back to him and the Dean catches it
clumsily.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Tell you what Dean, you call
Tiffany’s parents, get the girl a job
at Dairy Queen, and I’ll forget the
whole thing if you get off my back.
Deal?

The Dean nods.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Good. Nice meeting with you. Let’s
do it again soon.

Dave rises and walks to the door. He pauses as he opens the door.

DAVE (CONT’D)

What to go take in some peelers? Maybe not.

FADE OUT.

Part 7 - You Win Some, You Lose a Few More

2008-08-06T23:48:00.000-07:00

(Please read the previous parts before reading this posting)

Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space

Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push

Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club

Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall

Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action

Part 6 - And the Band Played On

Kathy's plot to embarrass Dave has begun to roll.

INT. COLLEGE CLASS - DAY
Dave is teaching his class, still basking in the fact he got laid last night. A handful of students can be seen text messaging on their cell phones.

DAVE

Now as we learned last time,
Harrison claims the stress on
kinship ties in post contact societies
is the first stage in the shift away
from a non-hierarchical structure.

We can here the gentle BUZZING of cell phones set on vibrate. There is a weird MURMURING beginning as text calls are being answered around the lecture hall.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Who can give me an example of such
as shift in Native American
societies? Anyone?

When he looks up, several hands that were pointed at him immediately drop.

DAVE (CONT’D)

No? This is the sort of material that
will be on the exam People. How
about the Salish of the Pacific
Northwest?

He turns and writes “Salish” on the white board. There is muffled laughter from the class. Dave spins around quickly but the laughter is gone.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Um, is there something going on?
Something funny I don’t know
about.?This shouldn’t be high school
folks. You are a l supposed to want
to be here. Your parents have paid
good money…

VOICE IN THE DARK

We thought your fly was undone. But
it’s not.

DAVE

Oh, okay. So one element to
consider when selecting…

VOICE IN THE DARK

(coughing)

Big Daddy!

The entire class erupts into uncontrollable LAUGHTER.

DAVE

Okay. Go. Get out of here. Class
dismissed.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
Dave and Ally are walking hand in hand. There is moderate pedestrian traf fic around them.

DAVE

I tell you it was the weirdest thing.
It was like there was an
undercurrent of discussion going
on, but in another language.

ALLY

They’re kids. Of course it’s another
language.

DAVE

There’s like, only ten years
difference. I’m still cool . I know 'The
Scene.'

ALLY

Oh, like all the cool 32 year olds we
knew at twenty.

DAVE

I don’ t know. It was something else.
Like they knew something about me.
All of them were connected to the
same joke.

They stop for a moment and Ally gives him a kiss.

ALLY

Well I think you’re the coolest
college prof I ever knew.

DAVE

Thanks.

ALLY

And I’d sleep with you even if it
didn’t improve my grade.

They embrace. Suddenly a muffled, recorded voice can be heard as a young guy passes them.

RECORDED VOICE

I love the big boobies!

YOUNG GUY

Hello?

DAVE

That was weird.

ALLY

Why? You guys all love big boobs.

A second muffled voice is heard as another person passes.

RECORDED VOICE

So here’s Mister Tiny Prick.

ALLY

That sounds like you.

DAVE

I’d never call myself Mr. Tiny Prick,
even if it was true. Which it’s not .

ALLY

Well…

DAVE

It’s not!

ALLY

I’m just kidding.

A third muffled voice is heard as two women pass.

RECORDED VOICE

Hey Kat, Kitty Kat.

And another:

RECORDED VOICE

This is Big Daddy.

And another:

RECORDED VOICE

There’s big boobies in my face right
now!

DAVE

What the fuck?

It seems Dave is surrounded by these snippets of his drunken call.

RECORDED VOICE

Belly button rings are all the rage!

RECORDED VOICE

I love the big boobies!

ALLY

Lets get out of here!

Dave and Ally dash up the street.

EXT. CITY STREET, INTERNET CAFÉ ENTRANCE - DAY
Dave and Ally run towards an Internet Café and go inside.

INT. INTERNET CAFÉ – DAY
The couple grab seats at an empty monitor.

ALLY

They must be ring tones that have
been downloaded or emailed. That’s
the only way so many people could
have them.
Ally surfs the net.

ALLY (CONT’D)

Some sites are free, others you pay
something like 25 cents for it . The
question is, how did your voice get
onto the Internet?

DAVE

I can’t imagine.

ALLY

Okay here’s a listing of
downloadable ring tones. The top
five right now are: “I love the Big
Boobies,” “Mmm, Big Boobies,” and
strangely “Here’s Mister Tiny Prick.”
Did you say all of these things?

DAVE

I may have. I say a lot of things.

ALLY

Were any of them “ I love the big
boobies”? and did you record it and
post it to the Internet?

DAVE

Not that I’m aware.

ALLY

What about a cell phone?

DAVE

I don’ t have one.

ALLY

Did you call someone and say that
stuff?

DAVE

I...um, look its no big deal .

ALLY

Oh, I don’t like the sound of this.
When someone says ‘it’s no big
deal’, it ’s always a big deal .

DAVE

I may have called Kathy the other
night from a party, and I may have
left her a message that said those
things. But I was drunk. I never
thought she would put the tape on
the web.

ALLY

But she often forwards calls to her
cell. She could post it directly,
somewhere. There’s no tape. Oh,
that’s why you were there?

DAVE

Ally…

ALLY

At my apartment the other day. It
wasn’t to see me; it was to try and
get the tape back.

DAVE

Ally, it's no bid deal. Why
focus on why I was there? Look
what happened with us because of
it.

ALLY

No big deal? You were going to
break into my place and steal from
me. I don’t think I can be around
you right now.

DAVE

Ally, c’mon. Let’s talk about this.

Ally is at the café door.

ALLY

Maybe you should find yourself
some big boobies. You can play
with someone else’s for a while.

FADE OUT:

INT./EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS – MONTAGE
We see Dave over the next day as his world is inundated with his drunk voice coming back to him from cell phones wherever he goes.

INT. DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY
Dave is in his office. The door is open. Out in the hallway students
are walking by. From somewhere he hears his voice say “Mmm, big
boobies.”

STUDENT (O.C.)

Dude, what’s up?

Dave goes to the door and shuts it . He sits down and, after a moment of reflection, dials Ally’s number.

DAVE

Hi Ally, it’s Dave. I guess you’re out.
I guess I should take the hint that
you haven’t called me back but I
just wanted you to know that I don’t
love big boobies. I love your boobies,
and your legs and your smile and
your pretty brown eyes. I sure want
to see all of them again.

INT. ALLY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Ally is standing by the phone, listening to Dave leave the message. She is smiling.

DAVE (ON PHONE)

I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you.
I’ll be at the Beanery later today,
because I really need to hear some
groovin’ guitar. I hope you’ll want to
talk with me. Oh, you can post this
to the 'Net if you want. Bye.

INT. DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY
Dave hangs up the phone after calling Ally. Almost immediately it RINGS.

DAVE

Dave Morgan.

TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)

It’s Ryan. Listen I know how this
happened.

DAVE

What?

TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)

Turn on your computer.

DAVE

It’s on.

TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)

Okay type in www dot drunkdialers
dot com.

DAVE

Okay. It ’s loading… oh my God.

TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)

Bingo! There you are dude.

We move in on the computer screen to see the website and a big picture of Dave with his name and the caption. “Funniest Drunk Call of the Year.”

TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE) (CONT’D)

You’re famous.

DAVE

I can’t believe Kathy did this to me.

TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)

Look on the bright side. At least it
can’t get any worse.

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – DAY
Dave is walking across the quad to the lecture hall. He has been ignoring the cell phones that explode with his drunk voice every few feet. He had never been aware before of how many people have cell phones or how frequently they are called. At one of the message kiosks there are flyers posted advertising a party: "October Phone Fest – Dial Under the Influence and Love the Big Boobies for only $5."

Suddenly a swarm of kids come towards him each wearing a T-shirt with a different selection from his message printed on them.

INT. LECTURE HALL – DAY
Dave’s students are writing a quiz. Throughout the class there have been outbreaks of muffled laughter. Dave has sat silently at the front of the class watching them write. Occasionally he picks up a coffee mug with shaky hands.

DAVE

Okay time’s up. Put down your pens
please and pass your exams down to
the end of the row.

The class begins to follow the instructions. Over the rustle of passing papers we hear a WISE GUY.

WISE GUY

You got it Big Daddy.

Immediately the class erupts into uncontrolled LAUGHTER. It is too much for Dave.

DAVE

(shouting)

That’s it! Who said that? Who was
it?

Dave rushes up the steps.

DAVE (CONT’D)

I want to know who it was.

A student tries to hand him a stack of collected tests. Dave shoves her aside in his race to the back of the class.

We see the Wise Guy beating a hasty retreat out the back door.

DAVE (CONT’D)

I can see you! Come back here!

The aisle is too crowded for Dave to get up. He enters the seating area and frantically climbs over the seat backs, stumbling as he does so.

Dave finally reaches the back of the room. Out of breath, he rushes out of the auditorium door. The Wise Guy is lost in a sea of other students.

Part 6 - And the Band Played On

2008-08-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

(Please read the previous parts before reading this posting)

Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space

Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push

Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club

Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall

Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action

Dave and Ally's relationship builds, but how till they explain it to Kathy?

INT./EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - MONTAGE
We see a dating montage set to music. Dave and Ally listen to records (yes records) , eat hot dogs, walk in the park, go to a hockey game. It is all very innocent. They do not even hold hands. At the same time, we see a contrast of Kathy on her trip. She is out at bars and dance clubs, drinking and surrounded by guys.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - AFTERNOON
Al y is just finishing her set at the coffee shop to enthusiastic applause. She is beginning to garner a bit of a following.

ALLY

( into microphone)

Thank you. I’ll be back again
tomorrow at the same time, and
hopefully you will too.

She puts down her guitar walks over to Dave who is standing clapping.

DAVE

Terrific.

ALLY

You thought so?

DAVE

Absolutely. You can barely notice
when you go off key or forget the
words.

ALLY

(slapping him on the chest)

Jerk.

DAVE

Oh you can do better than that . I’ve
been hit by sick nuns with more jam
than you.

ALLY

You think you could do better

Nancy?

DAVE

Oh, I ’d drop you like the ratings on
“Joey”.

The two pretend to spar for moment before breaking into laughter and sitting down on a couch. Dave hands her a tea.

ALLY

You know, I can’t figure out what

you saw in Kathy. You have nothing

in common.

DAVE

I guess its wanting what you can’t

have. She was always so out of my

league.

ALLY

Well , I think yours might be a pretty

nice league to be in.

She leans in close as she pays him a compliment.

DAVE

American or National?

ALLY

What?

DAVE

Does this league have a designated

hitter rule or does the pitcher…

ALLY

( interrupting)

Enough! Just shut up and kiss me.

DAVE

Oh.
(beat)
Oh!

Sweetly, Dave and Ally share their first kiss.

Through the window behind them we see Kathy walk past. She stops when she sees the couple kiss. She takes out her cell phone and dials.

CUT TO:

SPECIAL EFFECT
We see a package of electronic data zip along a network of wires and out to an Internet web site called “Drunk Dialing”.

INT. COLLEGE CLASSROOM - DAY
In a contrast to his class from a week ago, Dave is teaching with energy. He has multiple media going: film, sound, PowerPoint. In the darkness we see the students frantically trying to keep up.

DAVE

Here we see the percentage of
polygamous cultures contrasted with
the percentage of polyandrous
cultures. Now what would you
expect when we overlay that with
those culture that track heredity
through matriarchal lines verses
patriarchal?

The class is speechless and the graphs on the screen merge and change as if by magic.

EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT AT THE CLUB
Dave and Ally are walking down the street, hand in hand.

ALLY
Are you going to tell me where we’re
going?

DAVE

How long has it been since you’ve
seen the One Hit Wonders?

ALLY

Are you kidding me? Not since
school . Those guys aren’t still
playing together are they?

DAVE

Yup. And their repertoire has hardly
changed at all.

They pass by Picken’s RV sitting out in front of the club. They enter.

INT. NIGHT CLUB – NIGHT
We see a crowded night club. Dave and Ally are dancing to the band playing Tommy Twotone’s “867-5309 Jenny”. And on stage we see, Steve, Picken and Toynebee playing under a banner that reads “The One Hit Wonders”. The song comes to an end and the crowd hoots and hollers.

TOYNEBEE

Fucking right. You really know how
to rock. We’re going to take a fifteen
minute break.

The guys leave the stage and join Dave and Ally at a table.

ALLY

You guys were awesome.

STEVE

Thanks

ALLY

Really good. So much better than
school .

TOYNEBEE

Um thanks, I guess.

ALLY

And you’re still playing the same
songs too.

STEVE

Okay we get it. You’re not a fan.

PICKEN

I’ve been saying we should add some
more songs from Journey or
Foreigner.

TOYNEBEE

We’ve been over this. Those bands
are not one hit wonders. We’re ‘The
One Hit Wonders’, not Two Hit or
Three Hits.

DAVE

Hey, you guys could have Ally sing
with you.

STEVE, TOYNEBEE & PICKEN

No, No thanks.

DAVE

Why not?

TOYNEBEE

We don’t need a chick singer.

DAVE

But there’s been one hit girl singers
like, like Amy Mann.

ALLY

Or Janis Ian.

DAVE

You’d attract more guys to your
shows.

PICKEN

Just what we need.

INT. ALLY’S APARTMENT HALLWAY – NIGHT
Dave and Al ly are kissing passionately in the hallway. They can’t keep their hands off each other as they bang from wall to wall, grabbing at each other. They make it to the door.

ALLY

Kathy’s not back yet. Do you want
to come in? You can use the door
this time.

DAVE

You sure I’ve earned it?

ALLY

So far, no. But let’s see how well
you do in the sack.

Dave is speechless. They go in.

INT. AMY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Dave and Ally enter locked in an embrace. They start to pull each other's clothes off. We see Kathy sitting casually on the couch dressed in an expensive suit, sipping a glass of wine silently watching them make out.

ALLY

Oh my! You feel ike you're enjoying
this.

KATHY

Don’t get your hopes up. He starts
out well but it's really just false
advertising.

ALLY & DAVE

Kathy!

ALLY

I thought you weren’t back until
tomorrow.

KATHY

Oh, you weren’t expecting me? I

thought that little show was for my
benefit.

DAVE

No, you are the one into playing
games remember?

KATHY

So this is just a fun little game for
you two is it? Soccer? Table tennis?
Let me warn you Ally. His paddle is
less than regulation size.

DAVE

That’s it . C’mon Ally. We can go to
my place.

Kathy puts down her wine glass and rises.

KATHY

No don’t be silly. I ’m going out
anyway. And tomorrow I ’m signing
the lease on this great new loft, so I
won’t be a burden Ally. Or stand in
the way of your great new love.

With drama, she sweeps out the door.

ALLY

(singing)

“Ding dong the witch is dead” .

Dave rushes to the door and shouts down the hall after Kathy

DAVE

I want my towel rods back. And the
switch plates. And my cutlery!

Ally takes him by the hand and pulls him back into the apartment.

ALLY

C’mon. Forget about her. I’m
curious to know if the package she’s
talking about is less than what ’s
advertised.

DAVE

Wow. You really know how to make

a guy feel special .

ALLY

Actually I do know how. I ’ve been
told I ’m excellent at it. Want to see?

DAVE

You know it.

Ally leads him into the bedroom and shuts the door.

Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action

2008-07-31T15:59:00.000-07:00

(Please read the previous parts before reading this posting)

Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space

Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push

Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club

Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall

Dave has remembered the horrible contents of his phone message and must do something, anything, to keep Karen from hearing it.

EXT. CITY STREET – DAY.
Dave is half running, half walking to get back to his apartment to consult with his buddies. He is not doing a very good job of avoiding other pedestrians.

EXT/INT. PICKEN’S BEAT-UP RV – DAY.
Picken has parked his RV in front of Dave’s bui lding. The four friends are inside discussing what Dave can do about the message. Picken and Toynebee both look l ike they are in pretty rough shape. Dave is pacing the room (as much as you can in an RV) , frantic with worry.

TOYNEBEE

Are you sure you called Kathy?

STEVE

Good point. You could have left that
message with anyone, your boss,
your mother. There’s an infinite
possibility of embarrassing
situations, many, frankly which are
far worse than your ex-girl friend.

DAVE

You’re not helping.

PICKEN

What if you called an old teacher?

TOYNEBEE

Good point. You are the kind of guy

who stays in touch.

DAVE

Let’s try and limit this to calling
people I actually know the phone
number for.

PICKEN

I’m just saying it ’s possible.

TOYNEBEE

Are you sure you really said
anything bad?

DAVE

I can’t remember exactly, but there
was something about liking big tits
and belly button rings on strippers.

PICKEN

Is it true?

DAVE

That I said that?

PICKEN

No, that you like big tits and belly
button piercings?

DAVE

Yeah, I guess.

STEVE

Then where’s the harm? At least you
weren’t lying – like you l iked big
butts or back tattoos, unless you
like those things too.

TOYNEBEE

We just want you to be true to
yourself man.

PICKEN

Yeah, It's too hard to live a lie.

Trust me.

DAVE

This is a nightmare. Look, are you
going to help me get into the
apartment and get the tape back or
not?

STEVE

Normally I ’d jump at the chance to
break into some girls apartment,
but I’ve got a meeting with a T-shirt
wholesaler this afternoon.

PICKEN

New venture?

STEVE

Yup. Offensive novelty shirts

PICKEN

Nice.

DAVE

Toynebee?

TOYNEBEE

Can’t . I’m going to Florida
tomorrow.

DAVE

You’re 31. How can you still go on
Spring Break?

TOYNEBEE

Girls, beer and sun. Any more
questions?

PICKEN

I’d l ike to help, but I ’d just screw it
up.

DAVE

True. So I’m on my own?

The three friends all nod.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Remember there’s no "I" in team.

PICKEN

But there is one in “quit”.

EXT. ALLY’S APARTMENT BUILDING – DAY.
Dave is standing outside a three story brick apartment building looking up. He realizes he doesn’t actually have a plan. He steps towards the front door and scans for Ally’s name.
He presses the BUZZER and there’s no answer – that ’s a good sign.

An elderly lady approaches the front door, unlocks it and enters. As the door swings, Dave grabs it to come in after her, but she blocks the entrance with her cane.

ELDERLY LADY

I can’t just let you in, Young Man.

DAVE

It’s okay, I’m visiting a friend.

ELDERLY LADY

Then they can buzz you in.

She tries to pull the door shut, but Dave has a tight grip on it .

DAVE

They can't. You see it's supposed

to be a surprise.

ELDERLY LADY

Then you’ll have top make other
arrangements. We have rules you
know. How do I know you’re not a
terrorist or a drug mule?

DAVE

(pulling on the door)

I’m a college professor, lady.

ELDERLY LADY

Then you should be in school.

She WHACKS his hand with her cane. Dave recoils in pain and the door swings shut. Clutching his throbbing hand, Dave turns to walk down the steps. A small crowd of onlookers had gathered
watching his argument. An audible MURMUR of disgust can be heard as Dave walks past them.

EXT. ALLY’S APARTMENT BUILDING REAR – DAY.
Dave goes around back to climb the fire escape. He can’t jump to reach so begins to build a pile of boxes and trash. He climbs and is just at the top of the rickety with his finger tips touching the
bottom rung.

A couple of 13 year old boys dressed in baggy pants and hoodies come down the alley. They see Dave on his tower and KICK out the key bottom piece. Dave JUMPS as the tower TOPPLES, just grabbing the bottom rung in time. He scrambles up the rest of the way. The kids walk away laughing.

Once on the platform, Dave counts across and up the building to identi fy Ally’s apartment. He goes to her window and looks in. Dave tries to lift the window but nothing moves. He moves over and finds a window that does open. He climbs in.

INT. BATHROOM – DAY.
On the counter Dave sees Metamucil , Men’s shaving cream and an assortment of medication one would not relate to two young women sharing an apartment. Before he can turn and climb back out, he sees the door knob TURN.

BATHROOM MAN (OFF CAMERA)

If I’m not out in 2 hours send a
search party, Susan.

SUSAN (O.C.)

Just make sure you open a window.

The door opens and a heavy-set man in his late fifties enters, just as Dave ducks into the shower.
BATHROOM MAN
( laughing)

I just wish I hadn’t eaten all that
Indian Food at lunch.

He shuts the door and makes a big production of taking down his pants. The man sits and begins his activities.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM SHOWER INTERIOR– DAY.
Standing behind the shower curtain, Dave hears the man begin his big, smelly, noisy dump. We see Dave struggle with the smell. It is nearly unbearable. We hear the SNAP and FOLD of the newspaper indicating this may be a while.

Time passes.

Finally the toilet flushes. Dave is nearly catatonic with disgust.

SUSAN (O.C.)

You better have a shower.
Remember we’re going to my sister’s
for dinner.

BATHROOM MAN

Why should I? She’s the one who
needs a bath.
(muttering)
A flea bath.

SUSAN (O.C.)

Just have a shower.

BATHROOM MAN

Alright, alright. Can you put out my
robe?

Without looking, the man sticks his hand behind the curtain just missing Dave and turns on the cold.

SUSAN (O.C.)

It’s on the bed.

BATHROOM MAN

Is it too much to ask to bring it?
Hello? Susan? Damn.

INT. BATHROOM – DAY.
The man opens the door and leaves. Dave emerges from the shower soaking wet, climbs out the window and leaves.

The man comes back in wearing his robe, followed by Susan.

SUSAN

What is wrong with you. There’s
water everyplace. I’m going to have
to spend an hour cleaning this mess
because you can’t operate a shower
curtain. Honestly!

Susan turns and leaves. The man just stands staring at the puddles of water everywhere.

EXT. FIRE ESCAPE - DAY
Dave is just going to quit and climb down. Shivering, he walks past Ally’s window. She sees him and RAPS on the glass. He gives a half-hearted wave. Ally unlocks the window and pulls it up.

ALLY

Wow. Twice in one day. I’d think you
were stalking me if I didn’t know
you were here to see Kathy? Why are
you all wet?

DAVE

Slip and Slide.

ALLY

What?

DAVE

On the way over these kids had a
sl ip and sl ide going and I couldn’t
resist.

ALLY

Oh. How old are you?

DAVE

Apparently too old according to their
father who threatened to cal l the
cops on me.

ALLY

Well you better come in and dry off .

Dave climbs in the window dripping water everywhere.

INT. ALLY’S APARTMENT - DAY
The apartment looks no more moved into that when we last saw it.

ALLY

Let me get you a towel .

She leaves the room. Dave scans the room looking for the answering machine. He walks around quickly and finds it but not in time to get the tape out.

ALLY

Here. You’re getting water everywhere
Dave. Just stay in one place till
you’re dry okay?

DAVE

Sorry. You wouldn’ t have anything
dry I could wear would you?

ALLY
(skeptically)

I’l l see what I can find. Just stay
there. On the mat.

She leaves again. Quickly Dave tries to get the tape out, but can’t seem to manage it. The door won’t open. He picks the machine up, but his fingers are stiff from the cold water and he drops it with a clatter.

Ally comes out of the bedroom with a folded pink track suit.

ALLY

What was that?

DAVE

I knocked over the answering
machine. Sorry. I hope I didn’t
break the tape or anything.

ALLY

Oh, it’s a memory chip. Nobody has
tapes anymore. Where have you
been Caveman? Actually, you have
to hear this drunk message. It’s the
funniest thing.

Ally presses the button.

COMPUTER VOICE

You have one old message. Message
one:

DAVE

Ally, about the message. I can
explain.

ALLY
( interrupting)

Shh!

KATHY (ON MACHINE)

Hey Babe, you are such a loser! Why
aren’t you out here tonight! Woo
Hoo! The guys are so fucking hot!
Here, talk to Peter…

Ally presses “Stop”.

ALLY

And it goes on from there. I think
I’m going to keep that and use it at
her wedding or something.

DAVE

Good one.

ALLY

Try these on, best I could do.

Dave takes the armload of clothes and heads to the bathroom.

INT. ALLY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
It is now evening and Dave and Ally are on the couch talking and drinking wine. Dave is wearing a pink “Juicy” sweat suit that is too small for him. They have obviously been talking for hours when we join them in mid conversation.

ALLY

And my mother is the biggest
hypochondriac, constantly
diagnosing herself to make hersel
feel special .
( in funny voice)
I need adequate leg room for my
feet; I have plantars faceitious. The
doctors won’t confirm the diagnosis,
but I ’m sure I also have
fibromyalgia, which is an
exceptionally painful condition. I am
in constant agony. They’ve never
seen anything l ike it.

DAVE

My dad’s that way about mythical
food allergies. “I can’t have that
thing you talked about. Pita? That
sounds too exotic. You and that
damned foreign food. My stomach
can’t tolerate anything unusual . If I
eat pineapple, my mouth gets sore.”
Dad, it’s an acidic fruit. Don’t eat
the whole thing. Or at least take the skin

off.

Ally laughs. And checks her watch.

ALLY

Can you bel ieve it’s after seven?
Your clothes must be dry.

DAVE

You hungry?

ALLY

Starved, and maybe a little drunk.

DAVE

Let’s go grab a bite.

ALLY

Do you want to change?

DAVE
(shaking his rear as
he stands)

What? You don’t like my ass in
these?

Dave walks to the bathroom to put his clothes back on but stops at the door.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Hey, how come we never dated in
school?

ALLY

Well , you were kind of a dork, and
you were in love with my friend.

DAVE

You knew?

ALLY

Dave, everybody knew.

DAVE

Oh.

ALLY

Plus I was kind of a bitch, which
didn’t help. So get going. Strip out of

those sweats, J.Lo. I need some pizza.

Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall.

2008-07-29T08:24:00.000-07:00

(Please read the previous parts of the story before reading Part 4)

Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space

Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push

Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club

This is the morning after the big Strip Club Club Drunken Call.

INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT - DAY
Dave wakes up around noon. He GROANS and sits up. He is still wearing the same clothes from last night except he now also sports a very frilly (and slutty) bra around his neck. Toynebee is sprawled in the bed with him. On the on the floor is Picken. Dave slowly staggers to the bedroom door, careful not to trip over the comatose Picken.

In the living room Steve is awake, sitting in boxers multitasking: eating cereal out of the box, watching cartoons and checking his messages on his BlackBerry. He appears to be perfectly fine and regales Dave about the great night.

STEVE

Some night huh?

DAVE

Yeah, I guess.

STEVE

( looking at his Blackberry)

They still can’t find Glen.

DAVE

Who?

STEVE

The groom… from the stag… last
night. Hello?

DAVE

I don’ t remember anything… I don’t
even remember breakfast yesterday
I’m so hungover.

STEVE

I made some food in the kitchen.

DAVE

I don’ t think I can eat anything.

The kitchen is a war zone. Steve has used nearly every pot and pan. Steam is rising from a pot on the stove that has spaghetti noodles escaping over the top, sauce is spattered on the cupboards and there are scrambled eggs on the counter.

DAVE (CONT’D)

(to himself)

Now I know I can’t eat anything.

Dave steps back into the living room.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Want to go get some coffee Steve? I don’t
have class today.

Dave glances into to bedroom and sees Toynebee and Picken asleep.

DAVE (CONT’D)

And it looks like The Twins won’t be
up for hours.

Dave throws a ball cap on over his messy hair and they leave.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Dave and Steve enter The Beanery, a hip urban coffee bar.

STEVE

So I said to my dad, “just because
you hire and illegal alien as your
gardener doesn’t make you a
liberal .”

DAVE

But he thinks Klansmen are
moderate if they cut bigger holes in
their hoods for the eyes.

They line up behind a woman taking a long time to order.

COFFEE WOMAN

But I can’t have the latte because
I’m lactose intolerant.

COFFEE CLERK

Fine Ma’am. We can make it with
soya.

COFFEE WOMAN

And then there’s the mad cow
disease.

COFFEE CLERK

Like I said, we’ll make it with soya.

COFFEE WOMAN

Maybe I’ll just have a tea. It ’s
healthier.

She produces a cigarette from inside her coat and proceeds to light it.

COFFEE CLERK

Ma’am, you can’t smoke in here.

COFFEE WOMAN

Oh for Heaven’s Sake. Tobacco is organic.

She leaves the line up and heads to the door.

STEVE

Yup some night. We’ll have to do
that again. Hey, where’s my cell
phone. Did I leave it at your place?

DAVE

I don’ t know.

STEVE

Call it and see if someone has it?

DAVE

You know I don’ t have a cell phone.
You bug me every week about it.

STEVE

Who’s did you use last night?

DAVE

I didn’t make a call last night. At
least, not one I remember.

They finally order their coffees and turn to leave.

Ally appears from a room in the back and walks towards a little raised stage. Dave stops and stares at her in puzzled recognition. Ally fumbles with the microphone and when she turns to adjust her stool, the guitar knocks over the mic stand. The crowd laughs and Ally flushes red.

Dave rushes to the stage to help her get set up.

ALLY

Thanks.

DAVE

Ally, don’t you remember me?

ALLY

(she thinks)

Um, Dave. Wow. You look…good.
Better than I remember.

DAVE

You too. I mean, you look good, not
better. I mean, you could look
better. I mean you always looked
good…

ALLY

Thanks. I think that was a
compliment.

DAVE

Is Kathy here?

ALLY

I don’ t want to talk about her right
now.

DAVE

Oh. Okay. I know how you feel .

STEVE

C’mon Dave I got to go.

DAVE

You remember Ally Burns, Kathy’s
friend.

STEVE

Yeah, ‘Hi . ’ You coming Dave?

DAVE

I think I ’m going to stay and listen.

STEVE

Fine. I’ll see you later.

DAVE

Uh huh.

Ally is flattered that Dave will stay to listen when his friend was so anxious to go.

ALLY

I, um, have to play now.

DAVE

Sure, sure. Go ahead.

Ally sings her set ( in montage) . We hear one that sounds a lot like Dave’s sad phone message from the other day. After she plays, Dave approaches the stage while she packs up.

DAVE

That was terrific. And I don’t even
like that kind of music.

ALLY
(laughing)

Thanks. And what kind of music
would that be?

DAVE

(embarrassed)

Um, you know, the good kind.

ALLY

Oh, right.

DAVE

I really liked that one where the guy
calls asking for another chance.

ALLY

You should. You were the
inspiration.

DAVE

I was?

ALLY

You called and left the message for
Kathy on her machine. I heard it .
You really need to be careful about
leaving messages you never know
who will hear it.

CUT TO:

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY. CLOSE UP OF DAVE
Dave has suddenly remembered his phone cal l from the strip club last night. Not all of it, but enough to know that what he has done is bad and he needs to do something, anything, to retrieve that message.

We see a montage of the night’s drunken behavior and slow motion, repeats of him saying things like “Big Boobies” and “Tiny Prick”.

CUT TO:

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY.

DAVE

(panicked)

I have to go.

ALLY

You sure? We could grab a…

DAVE

( interrupting)

No, I really have to go.

Dave stumbles as he tries to navigate the narrow confines of the café aisles.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Good to see you though. Really
great. We’ll have to do it again. Real
soon.

Dave leaves the coffee shop and almost immediately burst back in.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Where did you say Kathy was?

ALLY

I didn’t . She’s won’ t be back from a
trip to the coast for at least a week.

Dave leaves the coffee shop without saying thanks or good bye.

ALLY (CONT’D)

There’s a guy who should stick to
decaf.

Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club

2008-07-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

(Please read Parts 1 and 2 before reading this installment)

Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space

Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push

After the hockey game, Dave leaves a sober message for Kathy. The next night's bachelor party lives up to it's promise of reckless behavior.

INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dave enters. He is just returning from the hockey game. He throws his keys to where the hall table used to be, only to have the keys hit the ground and slide across the floor and disappear under the old couch.

Dave sighs. He walks into the kitchen, opens the fridge and finds no beer. He walks back to the living room, passing the phone on the floor. He sits on the couch, but there is no TV to watch.
After a moment, he gets up and goes over to the phone. He pauses, then dials.

DAVE

Hi Kathy, it’s me, Dave. Hope you’re
doing okay. Listen, I was just
hanging out, and I thought maybe, if
you weren’t busy, or were in the
mood, we could have one of those
“dates” you were talking about. I,
uh, don’t know if you remember
your terms, but I could make dinner
and if you wanted to, “stay after”
that would be okay. I mean, if you
wanted to. Anyway, you know how to
get a hold of me and I ’ll leave the
door unlocked if you get this
message late. So I look forward to…

The machine cuts him off with a BEEP.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Well , that could have been
smoother.

INT. ALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Ally enters. Her arms are full with her guitar case, a long jacket, shoulder bag etc. She is rushing to get to the phone before the message cuts off , but enters the room just as the beep is heard.

ALLY

Shit.

Ally puts down her stuff, hangs up her coat and plays the messages. The first message begins to play. It is a call from a nightclub. Kathy is shouting over the trob of loud dance music.

KATHY (ON PHONE)

Hey Babe, you are such a loser! Why
aren’t you out here tonight! Woo
Hoo! The guys are so fucking hot!
Here, talk to Peter…

We hear giggling and muffled talk as Kathy hands the phone over to
some guy she just met.

PETER (ON PHONE)

Hi Ally, Kathy says you’re hot. You
should come down to The Oasis and
we could get together. I bet you’ve
got a rockin’ ass. I’d sure like to…

Ally quickly hits the delete button to avoid hearing what this stranger would l ike to do to her ass.

ALLY

Ugh.

The second message begins to play. It is Dave’s message to Kathy. Ally listens and smiles a little. She plays it again. She goes to get a pad of paper and her guitar and plays it again. She begins to write a song using Dave’s message as the lyrics.

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - DAY
Dave and Steve are walking across campus carrying coffee.

STEVE

C’mon, you have to go.

DAVE

STEVE

You have to stop moping around and
get over her. It ’l l be fun.

DAVE

I can’t . I’m way behind on work. I’ve
got papers to grade and, I ’m not
getting any research done.

They pass a trio of co-eds on their way to class. Steve nearly breaks his neck turning around to ogle the girls as they go.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Why are you always here? Don’t you
have a job anymore?

STEVE

I’m taking a break. Kind of a
transition to a new venture. Besides...
I like the scenery.

A shapely co-ed jogs past them and gives Steve a smile. He watches her and falls into a bike rack. The harder Steve struggles to get up, the more tangled he gets in the bikes, cables etc.

STEVE (CONT’D)

Well , are you going to help me up?

DAVE

I’m considering. Hey, look at this…

Dave sees a flyer taped to a lamp pole advertising for a local coffee house. A small crowd has gathered around Steve.

STEVE

Move along people. There’s nothing
to see here.

A student from Dave’s class approaches Dave. He is wearing a varsity football jacket.

STUDENT

Do you need a hand Professor
Morgan?

DAVE

Oh, Parker, yes, can you help this
vagrant up before he wrecks
somebody’s bike.

STUDENT

Sure. C’mon guys.

The student is joined by two other football players. They grab Steve and lift him with such ease, he is nearly flung across the path. Dave hands Steve the flier.

DAVE

Here, Allison, Kathy’s old friend is
playing guitar at The Beanery.

STEVE

And?

DAVE

And Kathy might be there. I should
go see her. Maybe I could get her to
have Kathy call me.

STEVE

No way. If she’s Kathy’s friend, then
she must be just as big a bitch.
They travel in packs.

Steve crumples up the flier and tosses it in a trash can.

STEVE (CONT’D)

What you should do is come out
with us tonight and get some lap
dances.

DAVE

Okay, okay. Jesus, you’re not going
to leave me alone about it anyway.

STEVE

That’s the spirit . Take your mind of
the whole thing by letting the little
head do some thinking.

Another hot co-ed passes Steve and giggles.

STEVE (CONT’D)

(calling after the girl )

It’s not that little. It’s just an
expression. Like ‘let’s do lunch’ or
‘call me’.

DAVE

Or ‘Restraining Order’.

INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT
We see a crowded Wednesday night at the local strip club. It is dark, crowded and throbbing with cheesy dance music. Three small platforms each have a girl in lingerie gyrating around a pole. In the corner we see the stag party including the groom in a striped prison shirt . There is much hooting and hollering from this group in contrast to the creepy, low energy leering from the rest of the patrons lining the stage edge.

Dave, Steve, Toynebee and Picken enter.

M.C. (ON LOUDSPEAKER)

Gentlemen, let put your hands
together for our featured performer,
the reigning Miss Nude Wyoming,
the luscious Desire Delight!

A voluptuous girl in a slutty nurse uniform struts out on stage and begins her act .

TOYNEBEE

You gotta love culture.

STEVE

There’s Johnny.

Steve and Dave head over to the stag group, but Toynebee and Picken are transfixed by Miss Nude Wyoming.

STEVE

Hey John. You remember my buddy
Dave? He’s the one I was telling you
about.

JOHN

You bet. Good to see you. Sorry to
hear about your kick in the crotch.

DAVE

Thanks. Are you sure us being here
is okay with your bother?

JOHN

Everything’s been alright with Glen
for about an hour now.

We see the groom in the prison shirt getting a lap dance. He is a heartbeat away from passing out but is valiantly trying to stuff a dollar bill in the girl ’s thong. Steve hands Dave two beers.

STEVE

Here. We’ve got some catching up to do.

John hands Dave a shot glass of some very questionable looking liquor.

JOHN

Then you’ll need one of these too.

Dave shrugs and drinks the shooter. A second is thrust in his hand. From behind Dave appears a stripper with Picken and Toynebee.

PICKEN & TOYNEBEE

This is for you buddy.

The girl licks Dave’s ear before sliding down the side of his leg as she begins her private dance. Dave drinks the second shooter and the evening is underway.

INT. STRIP CLUB – NIGHT. VARIOUS
The evening becomes a sequence of lights, drinks, faces, boobs etc. as Dave gets hammered.

INT. STRIP CLUB – NIGHT.
Dave is in a booth with several ladies. Picken has long since passed out. Toynebee is at the next table involved in what appears to be a very intense conversation with some old drunk.
Dave notices a cell phone on the table and dials Kathy. He gets her voicemail message.

KATHY (ON PHONE)

Hi , I’m not in right not so leave me
a message.

DAVE

Hey Kath, Kat , Kitty Kat, this is Big
Daddy. There’s girls here and their
naked and you know what? I love
the big boobies, and there’s big
boobies in my face right now.
Waddya think of that? Oh and news
flash for you, belly button rings are
all the rage. You should get one. I’ll
ask Tiffany here where she got hers?
And you know what else? You had it
pretty good with me. And I always
got you off even though you said my
prick was too small . So here’s
Mister Tiny prick saying good bye
‘cause I have to get back to the big
boobies. Mmm, big boobies.

Dave hangs up and puts the phone back on the table. Steve appears with a tray of shooters.

STEVE

Who you calling?

DAVE

I can’t remember.

The party continues and the lights and colors until it eventually fades to black.

Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push

2008-07-24T23:33:00.000-07:00

(Please read the previous part before embarking on this one)

Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space

Dave's mom had sworn Kathy would regret leaving Dave, but her life seems to continue on course. Dave is struggling to get his life back together. Luckily he has good friends to help him along.

INT. LIMOUSINE - NIGHT
Kathy is making out with some long-haired rock star. Her blouse is unbuttoned and her hair is a mess. As she pulls the man down on her, she presses the button raising the smoked glass partition and we can only her laughter.

INT. ALLY’S APARTMENT - DAY
We see a small , two bedroom apartment that is still is the process of being moved into: curtains are not hung, framed pictures lean up against the wall . On the couch sits ALLY BURNS, Kathy’s old college friend. She is pretty, with no makeup; her hair is pulled into a pony tail, dressed in jeans and an old sweatshirt . Ally is STRUMMING a guitar softly and singing. She stops and sings the same line again but changes a word. She stops again and writes
something down and plays it again.

Suddenly, the bedroom door behind her BURSTS open and Kathy comes out. She is in pajamas, an eyeshade and her hair is a mess.

KATHY

Do you have to play that thing so
early?

ALLY

It’s after twelve.

KATHY

When you’re up with clients ti l l 4 am,
this is the crack of dawn.

ALLY

You’re only up until 4 because you
are blowing them in the back of the
limo.

KATHY

It’s my job.

ALLY

Kathy, this is my job. I need to write
music.

KATHY

Well can you maybe do your job
someplace else? Doesn’t your
building have a roof, or a basement?

Kathy turns and goes back into the darkened bedroom, SLAMMING the door behind her.

EXT. FIRE ESCAPE – DAY
Ally is writing a song on the fire escape. Kathy appears at the open window and slams it without even looking at Ally.

ALLY

Bitch.

Ally strums a power chord. Then pauses and writes down the word “Bitch”.

INT. DAVE’S COLLEGE OFFICE - DAY
Dave in his cluttered office. On the wall hang pictures of African tribesmen, Thai dancers and Inuit hunters. He is in the middle of a discussion with one of his students, a disheveled young man.

DISHEVELED STUDENT

I don’ t see why I should lose marks
for that answer.

DAVE

How about “because it’s wrong”.

DISHEVELED STUDENT

Yes, but you never covered this in
class.

DAVE
Logan, it was part of the assigned
reading.

DISHEVELED STUDENT

You never said assigned reading was
going to be on the exam.

DAVE

I shouldn't have to. I would think
a source related to anthropology
I assigned in my anthropology course
would have been reason enough for my
students to learn it . Logan, have I
asked you to read any articles about
marine biology?

DISHEVELED STUDENT

No.

DAVE

What about statistics, or
Renaissance French poetry?

DISHEVELED STUDENT

No.
(pause)
But it’s not fair.

DAVE

(sighs)

Tell you what. Redo the answer by
tomorrow and I ’l l reconsider the
grade.

DISHEVELED STUDENT

Aww, tomorrow?

DAVE

And make it twice as long. If you're
still here in 10 seconds it’ll be
worth only 50%.

The student reluctantly stuffs the exam paper in his knapsack and leaves.

Alone Dave taps on the desk and re-arranges some piles of papers before he decides to call Kathy. He picks up the phone and dials six numbers. He hesitates before dialing the last, exhales and presses the seventh digit. As soon as it starts to ring he regrets it and motions to hang up when the door OPENS. Dave’s best friend STEVE CHAN enters.

STEVE

Stop! Don’t be a pussy.

DAVE

What?

STEVE

You heard me Pussy. You are calling
her aren’t you?

He grabs the receiver from Dave’s hand. We can hear Kathy saying “Hello” on the receiver. She swears and hangs up.

DAVE

I must have dialed her by accident. I
was trying to cal l you

STEVE

You can’t do this man. She took
your fucking towel rods. What kind
of a cold bitch does that? Don’t
make the Pity Cal l .

DAVE

The what?

STEVE

( in sad voice)

Hi , I’ve been thinking we should get
together…sometime…maybe coffee.
Sure, we can be friends.
(normal voice)
Next thing you know you’re holding
flowers in the bridal party when she
marries the guy she sat next to
when you two went for coffee.

DAVE

That would never happen.

STEVE

Right. How many girl friends do you
have right now?

DAVE

None.

STEVE

And how many ex-girl friends you
“think” you are still friends with?

DAVE

Six.

STEVE

Pussy.

Steve smacks Dave on the back of the head.

STEVE (CONT’D)

Now let’s go. You, me, Picken and
Toynebee have tickets to the Baron’s
game tonight. Let’s see if we can get
your head out of your ass and in
between some chick’s legs.

They leave just as an older female professor walks by. She is shocked at the mention of “some chick’s legs”.

INT. HOCKEY ARENA – NIGHT
Dave is out at a game with Steve, and his other two friends JAMES PICKEN and RYAN TOYNEBEE. The quartet are right at the glass. The three friends are cheering the body checks and fights but not Dave. Beer is flying, but Dave doesn’t notice.

Two players race for the puck and slam into the end boards right in front of Dave and the gang. The referee blows his whistle on the icing cal l as the two players slowly slide down the glass and
col lapse on the ice. Picken, Toynebee and Steve high five-ing each other. Steve turns to
high five Dave, but Dave is not paying attention.

PICKEN

Are you going to the can?

TOYNEBEE

No.

PICKEN

You sure? You haven’t gone in a
while.

TOYNEBEE

You keeping track?

PICKEN

I don’ t want you to get a bladder
infection, so don’t let it go too long.
And when you do go…

TOYNEBEE

Yeah?

PICKEN

You could get me another beer.

TOYNEBEE

Are your legs broken?

VOICE ON LOUDSPEAKER

Alright everybody, it’s time for
“Pucker Up” brought to you by
LavaLife.com. Let’s see which couple
can really pour on the heat.

On the Jumbo-tron appear images of couples in the crowd who kiss when the camera comes on them.

VOICE ON LOUDSPEAKER (CONT’D)

C’mon lets hear it for these folks!

Dave looks up and watches as a mix of people, young and old, kiss. Some are polite pecks but one middle aged fat couple really go at it, to the delight of the crowd.

Dave sighs and rises to go to the bathroom. He squeezes past his buddies.

PICKEN

Beer me!

STEVE

Me too.

TOYNEBEE

Make it two.

PICKEN

And nachos!

Dave casually waves in acknowledgment, but does not look up.

TOYNEBEE

Fuck, is he ever a downer.

PICKEN

Tragic.

STEVE

We really should do something.

TOYNEBEE

Like what? We’ve tried drinking, and
sports.

PICKEN

And dirty internet jokes.

STEVE
Gentlemen, there’s a force more
powerful than pornography and
alcohol alone. Depression’s
kryptonite – strippers.

The Barons score and the crowd cheers – but they could be endorsing the idea of strippers; it’s not clear.

EXT. URBAN STREET – NIGHT
Dave, Steve, Picken and Toynebee are walking along the street after the game. Dave is still glum, but Picken and Toynebee are sti l l high from the Baron’s win. Picken has a big foam hand that says “Barons #1”. Toynebee has two area beers in his hands.

A car goes by with a Barons flag and honks at the group. Picken jogs a couple of paces as the car goes past.

PICKEN

Fucking right!

TOYNEBEE

Barons rule! Whoo-hoo.

PICKEN

Damn! Those chicks were hot.

STEVE

It was a guy and a dog.

PICKEN

You sure?

Steve does not answer him. Picken stops to stare after the car, sure it was a load of 'hot chicks'.

TOYNEBEE

Sounds about your speed Picken.
Just make sure they at least buy
you dinner before you put out.

Steve puts his arm around Dave’s shoulder.

STEVE

How you doing buddy?

DAVE

If I wasn’t depressed before, the
thought of Picken in some
Appalachian Lassie-love-fest pay-per-view
special would put a guy over the
edge.

STEVE

Not to worry. The doctor is here with
the cure. You remember my former
business partner John?

DAVE

The loser you sold Glow-Ropes with?

STEVE

No. Not him. I think he’s dead or in
Paraguay or something.

TOYNEBEE

You mean Juice Cart Guy?

PICKEN

Man, I hated that weasel .

STEVE

Well , his brother’s getting married
this weekend, and there is a get-together
at Teasers on Wednesday. I
think a little lap dancing and hooter
ogling might just turn that frown
upside down.

DAVE

Of I don’t know. That’s not really my
scene…

STEVE

What scene is that , the gay scene?

DAVE

Would that bother you?

TOYNEBEE

Not as much as that shirt does.

STEVE

Of course it’s your scene. You still
have a dick don’t you?

Picken and Toynebee grab Dave’s arms, pick him up and pin him to the wall.

TOYNEBEE

You have to say yes.

PICKEN

You are ruining my karma, man.
Snap out of it or we’ll have to snap
you.

DAVE

Okay, okay. We’ll go see peelers.

PICKEN

Alright then.

They let Dave down.

STEVE

Did you just say Karma?

PICKEN

Yeah. So?

STEVE

Fag.

Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space

2008-07-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

The day after Dave Morgan goes all out on a romantic birthday dinner, he is dumped by his girlfriend Kathy. When she moves in with her old college friend Ally, she takes everything, including the light switch covers. Dave’s depression affects his life to the point that students stop attending his college classes and his mother no longer calls because he “bums her out.”

EXT. TWO BEDROOM APARTMENT – NIGHT.
Through a window, we see a late 20’s couple in the middle of a very animated discussion. DAVE MORGAN is following behind KATHY SPENCER as she picks items up from tables and shelves and puts them into a box tucked under her arm. She shows little emotion; his arms are waving.

INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT.
Inside the apartment. Dave is upset, but Kathy is very matter of fact as she picks things up.

DAVE

C’mon Kath. Wasn’t last night great? The wine,
the birthday dinner, the three orgasms? My jaw is
still stiff.

KATHY

Sex isn’t everything.

DAVE

Oh no? It seemed pretty important while you were
holding my ears begging me not to stop.

KATHY

I never beg.

DAVE

Sorry. I meant “help guide me in pleasing you”.

KATHY

I need some time, for myself.

DAVE

But Baby, I’ll give you time. I’ll stay at work more,
hang out with the guys all night if I have to. You’ll
think you live alone, I’ll be gone so much.

KATHY

It’s more than that. I’m, I’m in a place where I
need to focus on my career.

DAVE

Seems to me you don’t do anything but work
now.

KATHY

And I don’t think I should have to apologize for
that.

DAVE

I’m sorry. I just meant…

KATHY

It’s a tough business Dave, and people get hurt.
I’m out there everyday, going up against girls six
months younger than me, with longer legs and
bigger boobs. If I’m going to make it as an agent
in this business, I can’t have any distractions.

DAVE

Oh, so now I’m a distraction like loud music or
fireworks.

KATHY

More like a yapping Pekinese.

DAVE

Nice. You’ve resorted to name calling, you social
climbing praying mantis. I hope your rock stars
all fly small, private planes.

KATHY

What’s that supposed to mean?

DAVE

You’ll figure it out.

KATHY

I’m staying with Ally. Don’t call me until you cool
down.

She turns to Dave and runs a finger down his chest and hooks it into the top of his pants.

KATHY (CONT’D)

But when you do, I think we can still see each
other, still, you know, “date.”

DAVE

Why?

KATHY

Maybe the occasional dinner and a fuck, but
without the dinner. And you won’t have to cuddle
all night. Doesn’t that sound nice?

Kathy is kissing his neck as she says that.

DAVE

Do you hear yourself? I get more affection from
my right hand than you.

She coolly snaps back to her packing as if she never tried to seduce him.

KATHY

Suit yourself. I hope you two will be very happy
together.

Dave slams the door behind him as he leaves her to pack.

OPENING TITLES – DIALING UNDER THE INFLUENCE
As the titles and credits roll , we follow Kathy’s hands, in a closeup, as she moves about the apartment, packing up her stuff. As she progresses, it is obvious she is not very discriminating about taking things which are likely shared. Soon she is taking nearly anything not nailed down, and if she can loosen the screws, she takes that too.

INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT.
Dave is alone in the apartment after Kathy has moved out. Kathy has taken most of the things that make a place livable. He is left with the only second hand furniture, a pot, and old magazines. The wall shows the obvious signs of where pictures were hanging. In the bedroom, she has taken the face plates on the light switches. The shower curtain rod, toilet paper holder and towel hooks are gone. Dave tries to close the blinds but she has taken the cords.

INT. COLLEGE LECTURE HALL - DAY
The lecture hall is crowded; Dave Morgan is a popular instructor of anthropology. Dave is at the front in the light of an overhead projector. The students are copying the information, but Dave is
just staring into space, not moving the slide forward. As the class finishes copying, they begin to get restless. A student tries to get Dave’s attention, but he does no look up. Then someone floats a paper airplane down. A ball of paper is fired out of the darkness and hits Dave on the head, but he pays no attention.

One by one, students rise and exit. Soon it is a deluge leaving the hall . As they pass the projector, someone doodles an obscene picture on the overhead.

INT. DAVE’S PARENT’S KITCHEN – NIGHT
Dave is sitting on a tall stool at the eating counter of his mom’s kitchen. It is a comfortable, cluttered kitchen. MRS. MORGAN is bustling about as she prepares dinner. Four pots are steaming on the stove.

MRS. MORGAN

Don’t worry so much Honey. She’ll call. You two
are meant to be together. I’ve always had a sense
for these things.

DAVE

It’s been three days Mom. She would have called
by now. I’m just going to have to face it; I’ve
blown another relationship.

MRS. MORGAN

She’ll call, and if she doesn’t, well you just give
her another call. Maybe she isn’t getting her
messages. Didn’t you say this Ally girl never liked
you.

DAVE

That was a long time ago. I’m sure she’s gotten
over it by now.

MRS. MORGAN

These young girls can play pretty mean
Sweetheart.

DAVE

I don’t get it. I listened to her, I remembered her
birthday, our dating anniversary, the names of
her friends. What’s wrong with me?

The door opens and Dave’s younger brother TYLER enters. He is five years younger than Dave and wearing sweatpants that have been crudely cut of f at the thigh and a T-shirt that says “No Shirt, No Pants, Let’s Party.”

TYLER

You’re a chick, that’s what’s wrong with you.

MRS. MORGAN

Tyler, don’t tease your brother.

TYLER

You mean Sister, Mom. Only a chick talks about
her feelings as much as you. But since you are
only into other chicks, how will Mom explain her
ugly lesbian daughter at the country club?

DAVE

The same way she tells them about her lazy,
under-achieving other son who’s 28 and still in
school.

TYLER

You’re still in school.

DAVE

I’m a professor idiot.

TYLER

I believe you are only an associate professor.

DAVE

Didn’t you go back to high school after you got
your diploma?

TYLER

It was my extra senior year and the girls liked a
guy with some experience.

DAVE

I bet you were a big hit with the special needs and
foreign exchange students.

Mrs. Morgan hugs Dave to her chest.

MRS. MORGAN

Boys. Stop fighting. There’s nothing wrong with
you, Honey, not for a long time now. Kathy knows
how special you are. Any day now, she’ll come
running back. You’ll see.