Kathy's plot to embarrass Dave has begun to roll.
INT. COLLEGE CLASS - DAY
Dave is teaching his class, still basking in the fact he got laid last night. A handful of students can be seen text messaging on their cell phones.
DAVENow as we learned last time,
Harrison claims the stress on
kinship ties in post contact societies
is the first stage in the shift away
from a non-hierarchical structure.
We can here the gentle BUZZING of cell phones set on vibrate. There is a weird MURMURING beginning as text calls are being answered around the lecture hall.
DAVE (CONT’D)Who can give me an example of such
as shift in Native American
When he looks up, several hands that were pointed at him immediately drop.
DAVE (CONT’D)No? This is the sort of material that
will be on the exam People. How
about the Salish of the Pacific
He turns and writes “Salish” on the white board. There is muffled laughter from the class. Dave spins around quickly but the laughter is gone.
DAVE (CONT’D)Um, is there something going on?
Something funny I don’t know
about.?This shouldn’t be high school
folks. You are a l supposed to want
to be here. Your parents have paid
VOICE IN THE DARKWe thought your fly was undone. But
DAVEOh, okay. So one element to
consider when selecting…
VOICE IN THE DARK
The entire class erupts into uncontrollable LAUGHTER.
DAVEOkay. Go. Get out of here. Class
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
Dave and Ally are walking hand in hand. There is moderate pedestrian traf fic around them.
DAVEI tell you it was the weirdest thing.
It was like there was an
undercurrent of discussion going
on, but in another language.
ALLYThey’re kids. Of course it’s another
DAVEThere’s like, only ten years
difference. I’m still cool . I know 'The
ALLYOh, like all the cool 32 year olds we
knew at twenty.
DAVEI don’ t know. It was something else.
Like they knew something about me.
All of them were connected to the
They stop for a moment and Ally gives him a kiss.
ALLYWell I think you’re the coolest
college prof I ever knew.
ALLYAnd I’d sleep with you even if it
didn’t improve my grade.
They embrace. Suddenly a muffled, recorded voice can be heard as a young guy passes them.
RECORDED VOICEI love the big boobies!
DAVEThat was weird.
ALLYWhy? You guys all love big boobs.
A second muffled voice is heard as another person passes.
RECORDED VOICESo here’s Mister Tiny Prick.
ALLYThat sounds like you.
DAVEI’d never call myself Mr. Tiny Prick,
even if it was true. Which it’s not .
ALLYI’m just kidding.
A third muffled voice is heard as two women pass.
RECORDED VOICEHey Kat, Kitty Kat.
RECORDED VOICEThis is Big Daddy.
RECORDED VOICEThere’s big boobies in my face right
DAVEWhat the fuck?
It seems Dave is surrounded by these snippets of his drunken call.
RECORDED VOICEBelly button rings are all the rage!
RECORDED VOICEI love the big boobies!
ALLYLets get out of here!
Dave and Ally dash up the street.
EXT. CITY STREET, INTERNET CAFÉ ENTRANCE - DAY
Dave and Ally run towards an Internet Café and go inside.
INT. INTERNET CAFÉ – DAY
The couple grab seats at an empty monitor.
ALLYThey must be ring tones that have
been downloaded or emailed. That’s
the only way so many people could
Ally surfs the net.
ALLY (CONT’D)Some sites are free, others you pay
something like 25 cents for it . The
question is, how did your voice get
onto the Internet?
DAVEI can’t imagine.
ALLYOkay here’s a listing of
downloadable ring tones. The top
five right now are: “I love the Big
Boobies,” “Mmm, Big Boobies,” and
strangely “Here’s Mister Tiny Prick.”
Did you say all of these things?
DAVEI may have. I say a lot of things.
ALLYWere any of them “ I love the big
boobies”? and did you record it and
post it to the Internet?
DAVENot that I’m aware.
What about a cell phone?
DAVEI don’ t have one.
ALLYDid you call someone and say that
DAVEI...um, look its no big deal .
ALLYOh, I don’t like the sound of this.
When someone says ‘it’s no big
deal’, it ’s always a big deal .
DAVEI may have called Kathy the other
night from a party, and I may have
left her a message that said those
things. But I was drunk. I never
thought she would put the tape on
ALLYBut she often forwards calls to her
cell. She could post it directly,
somewhere. There’s no tape. Oh,
that’s why you were there?
ALLYAt my apartment the other day. It
wasn’t to see me; it was to try and
get the tape back.
DAVEAlly, it's no bid deal. Why
focus on why I was there? Look
what happened with us because of
ALLYNo big deal? You were going to
break into my place and steal from
me. I don’t think I can be around
you right now.
DAVEAlly, c’mon. Let’s talk about this.
Ally is at the café door.
ALLYMaybe you should find yourself
some big boobies. You can play
with someone else’s for a while.
FADE OUT:INT./EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS – MONTAGE
We see Dave over the next day as his world is inundated with his drunk voice coming back to him from cell phones wherever he goes.
INT. DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY
Dave is in his office. The door is open. Out in the hallway students
are walking by. From somewhere he hears his voice say “Mmm, big
STUDENT (O.C.)Dude, what’s up?
Dave goes to the door and shuts it . He sits down and, after a moment of reflection, dials Ally’s number.
DAVEHi Ally, it’s Dave. I guess you’re out.
I guess I should take the hint that
you haven’t called me back but I
just wanted you to know that I don’t
love big boobies. I love your boobies,
and your legs and your smile and
your pretty brown eyes. I sure want
to see all of them again.
INT. ALLY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Ally is standing by the phone, listening to Dave leave the message. She is smiling.
DAVE (ON PHONE)I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you.
I’ll be at the Beanery later today,
because I really need to hear some
groovin’ guitar. I hope you’ll want to
talk with me. Oh, you can post this
to the 'Net if you want. Bye.
INT. DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY
Dave hangs up the phone after calling Ally. Almost immediately it RINGS.
TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)It’s Ryan. Listen I know how this
TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)Turn on your computer.
TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)Okay type in www dot drunkdialers
DAVEOkay. It ’s loading… oh my God.
TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)Bingo! There you are dude.
We move in on the computer screen to see the website and a big picture of Dave with his name and the caption. “Funniest Drunk Call of the Year.”
TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE) (CONT’D)You’re famous.
DAVEI can’t believe Kathy did this to me.
TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)Look on the bright side. At least it
can’t get any worse.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – DAY
Dave is walking across the quad to the lecture hall. He has been ignoring the cell phones that explode with his drunk voice every few feet. He had never been aware before of how many people have cell phones or how frequently they are called. At one of the message kiosks there are flyers posted advertising a party: "October Phone Fest – Dial Under the Influence and Love the Big Boobies for only $5."
Suddenly a swarm of kids come towards him each wearing a T-shirt with a different selection from his message printed on them.
INT. LECTURE HALL – DAY
Dave’s students are writing a quiz. Throughout the class there have been outbreaks of muffled laughter. Dave has sat silently at the front of the class watching them write. Occasionally he picks up a coffee mug with shaky hands.
DAVEOkay time’s up. Put down your pens
please and pass your exams down to
the end of the row.
The class begins to follow the instructions. Over the rustle of passing papers we hear a WISE GUY.
WISE GUYYou got it Big Daddy.
Immediately the class erupts into uncontrolled LAUGHTER. It is too much for Dave.
(shouting)That’s it! Who said that? Who was
Dave rushes up the steps.
DAVE (CONT’D)I want to know who it was.
A student tries to hand him a stack of collected tests. Dave shoves her aside in his race to the back of the class.
We see the Wise Guy beating a hasty retreat out the back door.
DAVE (CONT’D)I can see you! Come back here!
The aisle is too crowded for Dave to get up. He enters the seating area and frantically climbs over the seat backs, stumbling as he does so.
Dave finally reaches the back of the room. Out of breath, he rushes out of the auditorium door. The Wise Guy is lost in a sea of other students.