Part 13 - The Big Finish

(Please read the previous episodes before reading this posting)
Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space
Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push
Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club
Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall
Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action
Part 6 - And the Band Played On
Part 7 - You Win Some, You Lose a Few More
Part 8 - The Mexican Standoff
Part 9 - There's Never a Cop Around When you Need One
Part 10 - No Family Room in the Octagon
Part 11 - The Price of Fame
Part 12 - Caught in the Death Star's Tractor Beam

Can Dave manage to get his life back and keep the girl?

INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT.

DAVE

(suspiciously)

What were they selling?

KATHY

Who?

DAVE

The telemarketer you talked to.

KATHY

Oh..time shares

DAVE

Where?

KATHY

Uh, Baltimore.

DAVE

Baltimore?

KATHY

Yes, near the ocean.

Dave reaches for the phone. He checks the dial log.

DAVE

Shit. That was Ally calling. What did
you do Kathy?

Dave calls her back. The answering machine picks up.

DAVE (CONT’D)

She’s gone now.
Or not answering. Again.
I'm going to start running out
of chances with this girl.
What did you say?

KATHY

Oh, she just wanted to know you got
home okay. Now drink up and I’ll
take you out for a nice dinner.

She goes into his closet.

KATHY (CONT’D)

Now let's pick you out something
nice. I think we’ll have to go
shopping for some new clothes for
you Baby.

She emerges from the closet with a slightly worn brown suit.

KATHY (CONT’D)

I thought we’d go to Gaspari ’s.
Remember our first anniversary
dinner there?

DAVE

Kathy, why are you here?

KATHY

To take you to dinner Silly.

DAVE

No, really. Why are you here? And
try the truth for once.

There is a KNOCK at the door.

DAVE

You stay here. And don’t touch
anything.

Dave goes to answers the door. Standing in the hall is Toynebee fresh from his trip to Florida. He has a tan, cut offs and a straw hat. He is wearing a t-Shirt from Daytona with one of Dave’s
sayings.

Toynebee enters the apartment.

TOYNEBEE

Hey Man, saw you on TV last night.
The place I was ate you up. I was
nearly as big a celebrity as you
being your friend. Here…

Toynebee takes off his straw hat and puts it on Dave’s head.

TOYNEBEE (CONT’D)

This is for you. And…

He reaches into his bag and pulls out a coconut souvenir monkey
wearing a bikini.

DAVE

Thanks. You shouldn’t have.

TOYNEBEE

No I owe you. I got laid twice more
than I would have last night.

DAVE

How many times would that be?

TOYNEBEE

Like I’m going to tell you that. I’m a
gentleman remember?

Several packages of condoms fal l out of his jacket pocket as he leans over to zip up his bag.
Kathy enters.

KATHY

Who is it Hon? Oh it’s you.

TOYNEBEE

What is she doing here?

KATHY

I’ll be where ever I want. I don’t
have to justify myself you or any of
his other loser friends.

TOYNEBEE

I can’t leave you alone at all? When
did you get back together with The
Bitch From Hell?

KATHY

You watch yourself, or I’l l…

TOYNEBEE

Or you’ll what? Steal all my stuff,
tell me you love me then step on my
heart, drive me out to the desert
and leave me for dead with the
buzzards and the scorpions and all
the other creatures that don’t care
how a man feels inside.

DAVE

Wow, what did happen to you?

TOYNBEE

Bad breakup. Junior high. Long
story

DAVE

Anyway, I ’m not with her. She just
showed up. I don’t really know why
she’s here?

TOYNEBEE

Ask her.

DAVE

Kathy, why are you here?

KATHY

I told you silly. I want to give us
another try.

Toynebee moves in next to Dave.

TOYNEBEE

I don’t trust her. Ask again.

DAVE

Kathy, why are you really here? The
truth.

Kathy’s phone rings.

RECORDED VOICE

Hey, Kat. Kitty Kat .

KATHY

(pointing at her cell)

That’s why. I can’t believe how big
this thing is. I was so angry with
you for getting over me so easily.
But your voice is everywhere. And
now after Leno, your face could too.
And I want to be the person who
makes it happen.

DAVE

English please.

KATHY.

Dave I want to be your agent. I
think I can get you a record deal
and a national tour. This phone
message thing may only have
another few weeks on it’s own. And I
feel like I had some part in it , I
should benefit.

DAVE

Some part? You are the entire
reason it happened it all.

KATHY

Exactly! I’m glad you see that way.
As such, I think I should have more
that the regular 15%, but I’m willing
to waive that in consideration of our
long history together.

There is a KNOCK on the door. Steve lets himself in.

STEVE

Hey, Toynebee when did you get…Oh
shit! What is she doing here.

KATHY

I’m Dave’s new agent and as my first
duty I ’m going to get rid of any bad
influences in his life. Namely you
two and that other cretin who drives
that hideous RV.

She begins to step towards them to usher them out the door, but Dave steps in between.

DAVE

Stop. Kathy, I already have an
agent, God knows why, and it’s
Steve.

STEVE

Thanks Man.

DAVE

Don’t thank me yet.

As he steps past the table, he picks up the phone Kathy’s set down.

DAVE (CONT’D)

But Kathy I may have something for
you anyway.

Dave turns and huddles with Steve and Toynebee. There is some MURMERING and SHOCK as they discuss Dave’s plan. Dave turns back around to face Kathy.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Okay. Here’s the deal . I’ve empowered
Steve to negotiate terms for
whatever crazy thing you have
planned.

KATHY

I refuse to negotiate with him.

DAVE

It’s either Steve or nothing.

KATHY

Fine.

DAVE

In addition, you are to split
whatever commissions and fees for
representation equally with Steve

Kathy is about to protest but Dave raises his hand.

DAVE

But since I don’t want any profit
from this whole grizzly mess, the
two of you will be splitting 50% of
the money 30/20, with the
remaining 50% going to the United
Negro College Fund.

KATHY

Why them?

DAVE

Why not? Everybody deserves an
education.

KATHY

Fine.

DAVE

Thirdly…

KATHY

There can’t be more.

DAVE

It gets better. Included in my terms
is you getting a three record deal for
Ally with your company.

KATHY

One.

DAVE

Two.

KATHY

Fine.

DAVE

With full marketing support too, not
some discount bin label.

KATHY

Okay.

DAVE

And one for the One Hit Wonders.

This was a surprise for Steve and Toynebee. Steve tries to remain stoic, but he is pretty choked up. Toynebee slaps Dave on the back.

Kathy has given up.

KATHY

Okay. They get a record deal too.
But I expect you to honor your part .

DAVE

Sure thing. I’ll be your dancing
monkey for how ever many weeks
this ridiculous thing lasts.

KATHY

For this, I’ll do whatever I can to
make sure you are ridiculed publicly
for years.

Dave turns and gets his jacket to leave.

DAVE

You know, i f I thought you were any
good at your job, I ’d be worried
about that. Gotta go. Steve, you
make sure she doesn’t weasel out of
anything.

STEVE

You got it.

Dave leaves.

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Dave is running down the street, racing to get to Ally. He reaches the front door of the coffee shop where she is performing.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
Ally is onstage singing and playing her guitar beautifully, but no one is paying close attention. She sees Dave but continues to play. Finally she finishes. There is a smattering of applause but Dave
claps and hoots like she’s Springsteen.

ALLY

Thank you. I ’m going to take a short
break and come back.

She angrily points for Dave to come over to here.

ALLY (CONT’D)

What are you doing here?

DAVE

You won’t answer my calls. I had to
see you, I’ve got great news.

ALLY

Don’t tell me, you’re becoming
America’s next porn star.

DAVE

No, it’s about you. I saw Kathy
earlier.

ALLY

And your getting back together,
Perfect you two deserve each other I
hope you are going to be very happy.

DAVE

Will you listen? I’m not getting back
together with her. I want you.

ALLY

It looked like you wanted Jenny
McCarthy last night.

DAVE

It’s all a big misunderstanding. The
camera angles, the quick shots
made it look like that. I just wanted
to crawl inside the couch and wait
for the show to end.

ALLY

I have eyes you know.

DAVE

And they’re lovely. Kathy wanted to
be my agent and parade me around
on some crazy tour.

KATHY

I knew you were lying. You do like
this.

DAVE

Oh knock it off . She’s nuts. It won’t
last the weekend. By Sunday
morning everyone will be caught up
with some guy who drops a bowling
ball on his nuts on You Tube.

Dave takes the guitar from her, puts it down and takes her hands in his.

DAVE (CONT’D)

I only agreed to cooperate in return
for her negotiating a two record deal
with her company.

ALLY

You’re kidding?

DAVE

Nope. Steve is working out the
details with her right now.

ALLY

Are you sure that’s such a good
idea?

DAVE

When it comes to getting a deal on
something sleazy and underhanded,
there’s no one I would trust more.

ALLY

I don’ t know what to say. Don’t
think just because you went and
made everything I want come true
that I’m going to suddenly think
everything is okay with us.

Dave kisses her hand.

ALLY

Wait. What if she reneges because
she can’t book you an anything
more? Or torpedoes the whole thing
on purpose?

DAVE

I thought of that too.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out Kathy’s cell phone. He hands it to Ally.

DAVE (CONT’D)

That’s Kathy’s. I’d wager there are
plenty of photos on it of her
“escapades” with various rock stars
who don’t want to associated with a
woman like her. If she doesn’t come
through for you, They get posted to
the Net. Two can play at this game.

DAVE

I would be disappointed with you if
you did. Let’s have a cup of coffee
and see where it goes from there.

ALLY

Okay. That I can do.

She smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

The door opens and Steve, Toynebee and Picken noisily enter the coffee shop with their instruments.

PICKEN

There he is!

STEVE

Hey Hey, Davey Boy!

Ally looks at Dave quizzically.

DAVE

Oh yeah. I got a record deal for
them too.

THE END.

FINAL CREDITS

As the final credits roll , Ally and Dave sing “Baby Come Back” with the One Hit Wonders backing them up.

Part 12 - Caught in the Death Star's Tractor Beam

(Please read the previous episodes before reading this posting)
Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space
Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push
Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club
Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall
Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action
Part 6 - And the Band Played On
Part 7 - You Win Some, You Lose a Few More
Part 8 - The Mexican Standoff
Part 9 - There's Never a Cop Around When you Need One
Part 10 - No Family Room in the Octagon
Part 11 - The Price of Fame

The Tonight Show appearance takes Dave's fame to new level but introduces nothing but trouble in his personal life

INT. LOCAL PUB – NIGHT
At a local pub, Kathy is watching the broadcast of Dave’s interview. Around her the crowd is really reacting to Dave and Jenny McCarthy’s antics. Kathy pulls out her cell phone and starts
dialing.

INT. LATE SHOW GREEN ROOM – NIGHT.
Dave enters the green room after the show is over. Steve is waiting for him. Dave looks white with shock.

STEVE

That was awesome. You were a little
flat when the band was playing and
you could have gone over to shake
their hands with Jay, but I think
that performance took you to the
next level .

DAVE

What level? The 'unemployed sex
fiend' level or the 'guy who was just
dumped by his girl friend' level?

STEVE

Stardom Baby! Can’t you feel the
pull of Hollywood? The doors are
going to start opening for you now.

DAVE

I don’t want those doors to open. I
want to go back to the way it was
before all this happened. I want my
privacy back I want the respect of
my students back. I want my life
back

STEVE

They never really respected you
that much anyway.

The door opens and Jenny McCarthy enters. She is not bouncy and fun like she was on the show, but is very serious. She heads straight for her gear and begins packing a bag.

STEVE

You were great Jenny. Thanks a lot
for being such a good sport.

JENNY MCCARTHY

(disinterestedly)

Mmm.

STEVE

Listen, you want to hang out for a
while?

Dave is tugging on Steve’s arm

JENNY MCCARTHY

No.

DAVE

Can we just go?

STEVE

Well, do you know of any great
places to go around here where my
buddy and I can have some fun, if
you know what I mean?

DAVE

I just want to go back to the hotel
and wait for the flight tomorrow.

JENNY MCCARTHY

Look, just because I come off like
the Playboy Bunny doesn’t mean I
want to hang out with you and your
weirdo friend here.

STEVE

But…

Jenny turns to Dave and pokes him in the chest.

JENNY MCCARTHY

Women are more than objects pal.
We’re not just tits and asses and it
really pisses me off when guys like
you get any attention for
perpetuating that stereotype.

DAVE

I’m sorry?

JENNY MCCARTHY

Now get out of my way

Jenny leaves.

STEVE

But she was a Playboy Bunny.

Leno appears at the door.

LENO

Great segment Dave. Let my staff
know what you are up to and we’ll
have you back on.

DAVE

No.

Leno disappears. Steve hustles after him

STEVE

Don’t listen to him Mr. Leno. We’ve
got a website and videos and an
action figure and a kids book series...

Steve can no longer be heard down the hall. Dave takes his jacket from the rack and walks out of the Green Room.

INT. DAVE’S HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT.
Dave dials Ally’s number. He lets it ring. We hear the answering

machine pick up.

ALLY (MESSAGE VOICE)

Hi, I’m not in right now. Leave a
message.

DAVE

Hi Ally. I hope you didn’t see the
Tonight Show, well, tonight. If you
taped it, just erase it…

INT. ALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT.
Ally is sitting on the couch looking at the answering machine as Dave leave’s his message.

DAVE (VOICE ON MACHINE)

I guess it was too embarrassing. I’m
staying at the Sheraton 555-2763,
room 701. Call me anytime. I’m
likely not going to sleep tonight

She presses the ERASE button.

INT. AIRPORT DEPARTURE LOUNGE – DAY.
Dave is calling Ally again but hangs up without leaving a message.

INT. AIRPLANE – DAY.
Steve and Dave are sitting side by side on the plane. Steve has headphones on watching the in-flight entertainment. Dave is looking at a magazine but not concentrating. The broadcast changes to news highlights from the world of entertainment.

Immediately every screen in the plane is showing what looks like Dave dancing erotically with Jenny McCarthy. Steve pokes Dave with his elbow.

DAVE

Oh my God. Is that what it looked
like?

Steve takes off his headphones.

STEVE

What?

DAVE

Did I really look like that on the
show? You’d think I was enjoying it.

STEVE

Weren’t you?

DAVE
(shouting)

No!

Several people turn around and recognize him. There is MURMURING that begins around him.

DAVE (CONT’D)
(whispering)

No. I was just standing there
wishing the whole thing to end.

A woman walks by and gives Dave a dirty look.

DAVE (CONT’D)

And if Ally saw this, she already
things I’m a big pervert.

STEVE

I’ve been called worse.

DAVE

You are worse. Let me use your cell

phone.

A 12 year old boy walks by and recognizes Dave

BOY

Alright! Can I have your autograph?

DAVE

Just keep walking.

BOY

Jerk.

Dave dials and gets Ally’s answering machine

DAVE (CONT’D)

Ally! I just saw the show. It wasn’t
what it looks like.

The flight attendant walks over.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Sir, you can’ t use cell phones
during the flight.

DAVE

This will just take a minute.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Sir, just because you’re a celebrity
doesn’t mean you can do what ever
you want.

DAVE

But I ’m not a celebrity…

A college age boy walks by.

COLLEGE KID

Dude you’re the coolest. Can I take
a picture with you?

Before Dave can answer, the kid leans into the row and takes a picture of the two of them with his cell phone.

COLLEGE KID (CONT’D)

Thanks Big Daddy.

He walks on down the aisle to show his buddies. The flight attendant is standing with her hands on her hips looking very upset.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

I took away Jude Law’s phone. Do I
have to take yours away too, “Big
Daddy”?

DAVE

I’l l hang up.

Without saying goodbye, Dave closes the phone and hands it back to Steve.

STEVE

Is Jude Law still a celebrity?

INT. AIRPORT, VARIOUS – DAY.
Dave and Steve leave the plane, walk through the airport and retrieve their luggage. Dave is recognized repeatedly, cell phones ring around him and people ask for autographs and pictures with him.

As they walk through the crowds, Dave looks like he just want someone to shoot him.

EXT. AIRPORT DEPARTURE ENTRANCE – DAY.
Dave and Steve emerge from the airport and are standing on the curb with their luggage. Picken’s RV pulls up in a cloud of EXHAUST. The door flings open and Picken emerges.

PICKEN

Welcome home boys. Let’s Rock and
Roll

Dave tosses his bags up to Picken, then climbs in the RV. Steve follows. The door closes and the RV pulls away.

INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT.
Dave is unpacking when there is a KNOCK at the front door.

DAVE

It’s open!

He keeps unpacking without looking up.

KATHY

We sure had a lot of good times in
this room, didn’t we?

Dave looks up with shock. Kathy is standing in the door of his bedroom. She is dressed in a
tight black skirt and jacket with plenty of cleavage. Her hair is down and she is holding a bottle of Dom Perignon against her hip.

DAVE

Kathy? What , what are you doing
here?

KATHY

I wanted to congratulate you on
your hit TV experience.

DAVE

Not you too? Everyday keeps getting
worse. And this is all your fault .

KATHY

Fault? I would think you would want
to thanks me. You have the world at
your finger tips right now: fame,
fortune anything you want could be
yours. You just have to ask.

She slides up to him sexily.

KATHY (CONT’D)

You could ask me...

DAVE

What are you saying?

KATHY

Maybe breaking up wasn’t such a
good idea. I miss you Dave. I’ve
been thinking we should give us
another chance. We were pretty good
together weren’t we.

Kathy runs her hand up his arm.

DAVE

There were times sure. But I’m with
Ally now. At least I thought I was.

KATHY

Aw, poor baby. What happened?

She POPS the champagne and pours two glasses.

DAVE

Every time we are getting along, this
stupid ring tone thing throws
another curve and I scare her off. I
can’t control it and I think the
Tonight Show will have put her over
the edge.

Kathy hands him a glass. She clinks hers on his.

KATHY

I don’ t think Ally is ready for a man
like you. You are destined for
stardom while she is playing sad

folk guitar in half empty coffee houses.

As she takes a sip from her glass, Kathy pushes the bottom of his towards his lips. Dave takes a sip.

DAVE

No, she thinks I’m this titty loving
freak and she just wants a normal
boyfriend. I gotta take a leak.

Dave puts down his glass, goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. Kathy rushes to the mirror, checks her makeup and hair, and pushes her breasts out a little bit more.

The telephone RINGS. Kathy answers it.

KATHY

Hello?

ALLY (ON PHONE)

Kathy?

KATHY
(brightly)

Oh hi Ally. Long time.

ALLY (ON PHONE)

What are you doing there?

KATHY

Oh, didn’t Dave tell you? We’re
trying to work it out and give “us”
another try.

ALLY (ON PHONE)

Oh…

KATHY

I really have to thank you for taking
care of my man for those few weeks.
We’ll have to have you over for
dinner some time. I know lots of
nice single men.

The toilet FLUSHES.

KATHY (CONT’D)

I’ll let you go Ally. Stay in touch.
Bye.

Kathy hangs up just as Dave comes out of the bathroom. Kathy hands him his glass again.

KATHY (CONT’D)

Now where were we?

DAVE

Did you just answer my phone?

KATHY

Oh, yeah. It was just some
telemarketer. Sorry, force of habit .

INT. ALLY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
We see her packing her guitar case for a show, half angry, half crying.

FADE OUT.

Part 11 - The Price of Fame

(Please read the previous parts before reading this posting)
Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space
Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push
Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club
Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall
Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action
Part 6 - And the Band Played On
Part 7 - You Win Some, You Lose a Few More
Part 8 - The Mexican Standoff
Part 9 - There's Never a Cop Around When you Need One
Part 10 - No Family Room in the Octagon

Dave can't simply enjoy his newfound relationship with Ally while the Show Biz Siren keeps calling.

INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
The light in the room is very low, cast only by a single lamp that now has Ally’s blouse draped over it. Strewn about the floor by the couch are other items of clothes: Dave’s khakis, Ally’s jeans, a pair of boxers.

There is a loud KNOCK on the door.

STEVE (O.C.)

Dave! Dave, open the door.

A very startled looking Dave emerges from under a blanket on the couch.

DAVE

Huh?

The knocking has turned to POUNDING.

STEVE (O.C.)

C’mon man open up.

We can hear someone else has come into the hallway.

STEVE (O.C.)

Oh, hey, hey Ma’am? Excuse me. Do
you know if Dave Morgan is home? -
- The man who lives here?

Pause. There are inaudible MURMURINGS from in the hallway.

STEVE (O.C.)

Then what the hell good are you?
Stop wasting my time.

We hear high-pitched INDIGNATION.

STEVE (O.C.)

Oh nice, very ladylike. You touch
your grandkids with that finger?

Steve bangs on the door again. Dave rises and tries to pull the blanket with him, to cover up, but
we now see Ally trying to pull it back to keep covered.

ALLY

Hey!

DAVE

Sorry.

Dave reaches down and fumbles for his boxers. Pull ing on a T-shirt, he walks to the door. Dave opens the door and Steve BARGES into the apartment already in mid-sentence.

STEVE

…will be here first thing in the
morning so you’ll need to be ready.
How long will it take you to pack?

DAVE

Pack? What for? What will be here
first thing?

STEVE

The cab.

Dave looks blankly at his frenzied buddy.

STEVE (CONT’D)

The cab to take us to the airport.
Don’t you ever check your phone
messages?

DAVE

I don’ t want to talk about phone
messages.

Steve begins to throw articles of clothing off the coffee table looking for the answering machine. He has not yet looked at the blanket covered body but greets Ally like it is no big deal she is
under there naked.

STEVE

Hi Ally.

Ally pul ls down a corner of the blanket revealing her face surrounded by obvious post-sex hair.

ALLY

Hi Steve.

She rises from the couch, carefully wrapping the blanket around her.

ALLY (CONT’D)

Dave, I think I’m gonna go.

She grabs her jeans and the shirt off the lamp and heads for the bathroom.

DAVE

Thanks a lot Steve . You have really

lousy timing. Why are you always here
anyway? I should start making you
chip in on rent. You are the worst
non-roommate I ever had.

Steve has found the answering machine a PRESSES the button.

STEVE (ON ANSWERING MACHINE)

Hey Buddy. Pack your bags. You and
I are flying all expenses paid to LA
to be on the Tonight Show. Call me
when you get this message.

The message ends with a BEEP and Steve’s voice is heard again.

STEVE (ON ANSWERING MACHINE)

Dave. Pick up man. You need to let
me know about the trip.

Again the message ends with a BEEP and Steve’s voice is heard again.

STEVE (ON ANSWERING MACHINE)

Dammit Dave. Answer your fucking
phone!

Steve starts hitting the button deleting messages.

STEVE

And it goes on like that for a while.
So what are you waiting for? Let’s
go.

Ally emerges from the bathroom put back together and looking sexy.

ALLY

Where are you going?

STEVE

Dave is going to the a guest on Leno
tomorrow.

DAVE

No I’m not. I’m not going to give this
stupid thing anymore airtime. It’s
ruining my life.

STEVE

What are you talking about. This
may be the greatest thing that ever
happened to you. To any of us.

DAVE

It’s no where near the greatest
thing…

Dave looks longingly at Ally. She smiles.

DAVE (CONT’D)

And what do you mean “us”, Steve?

STEVE

C’mon, don’t talk to your agent like
that.

DAVE

Agent?

STEVE

Yeah. I worked out a real sweet
deal. They wanted you to be on a
lame show with kid inventors and
some crappy alt rock band. Thanks
to me, you follow Jenny McCarthy
and the musical guest is Foo
Fighters. This gig will break “Big
Daddy” wide open.

DAVE

Since when are you my agent? Can’t
you decide on a job? 15 years I’ve
known you and you can’t do the
same thing for more than 6 months.
Now go home.

ALLY

I think you should do it.

Both men are stunned.

DAVE & STEVE

What?

ALLY

You heard me. This is a once in a
lifetime chance. So it’s not a chance
you ever wanted. Big deal . The
opportunity has presented itself.
You could turn the whole crazy
thing into a positive.

DAVE

Are you sure? All my students will
see it. The Dean, the rest of the
faculty…

ALLY

All I know is you never get many
breaks, especial ly in show business.
So fine, you don’t want to be a
celebrity, interest in you will fade
whether you choose to participate or
not. But you can decide how you
want to be remembered. And you
never know where it might lead.

STEVE

I knew I liked this girl . So what do
you say? Can I call Leno’s people?

DAVE
(with resignation)

What time do we leave?

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – NIGHT
The Tonight Show Band is playing during a commercial break. Jay Leno and his guest Jenny McCarthy are cracking each other up when they come back from commercial.

JAY LENO

Okay. Many of you will know our
next guest as the voice of the most
downloaded ringtone of all time. Is
that really a category we’re tracking
now? So let’s put a face to the voice.
Please welcome Big Daddy himself,
Dave Morgan.

The band plays “Call Me” by Blondie as Dave cautiously comes around the curtain. The audience gives him enthusiastic APPLAUSE as Jay walks forward to shake Dave’s hand. Dave continues on to the desk where he reaches to shake Jenny McCarthy’s hand but she surprises him by leaning in for a big Hollywood hug.

Dave is caught with his free hand pressed up against her chest. As she pulls back, he accidentally rips her microphone clip from her blouse.

LENO

I guess you really do like the Big
Boobies.

The audience laughs. Dave embarrassedly tries to reattach the microphone only to have it appear he is still groping her. McCarthy seems to enjoy the attention.

DAVE

I’m so sorry. That was an accident.
Here, let me get this back on.

JENNY MCCARTHY

I haven’t been fondled this much
since Hef lost his glasses in the
grotto. And he wears contacts.

The audience laughs. A sound technician appears on stage and expertly shoves Dave out of the way as he reattaches the microphone.

Dave sits down.

DAVE

I apologize. I don’t know what
happened.

LENO

Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t look
like she minded too much.

JENNY MCCARTHY

I won’t be pressing charges if that ’s
what you mean.

The audience laughs.

INT. PICKEN’S BEAT-UP RV – RV.
Picken and Toynebee are watching the show on a little TV.

TOYNEBEE
Nice.

They high five each other.

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – NIGHT

LENO

Now doing voice over work isn’t your
regular job. You’re a college
professor, right?

DAVE

Yes.

LENO

Did you want to give a shout out to
your students.

DAVE

I’d rather not say which school if
that’s okay.

LENO

Is it sex ed you teach?

DAVE

No, Cultural Anthropology.

JENNY MCCARTHY
(flirty)

I bet you are the most popular
teacher on campus.

INT. COLLEGE DORM COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
The common room is packed with kids on couches, chairs and sitting on the floor watching the broadcast . They are all wearing Steve’s novelty T-shirts, each with a di fferent ring tone slogan.
They cheer when McCarthy says Dave is popular.

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – NIGHT

DAVE

Um, I ’m not sure, there is
sometimes a waiting list but it
always seems like there are plenty
of empty seats after the first week
or so. I try not to take that
personally.

The audience laughs.

LENO

Now I’d like you to tell us how you
came to be the person we hear
everyday when our cellphones ring…

DAVE

I wish I knew.

LENO

But for those people who aren’t
aware of your claim to fame, We’ve
put together a little sampling of
your work.

DAVE

Oh please, don’t play…

RECORDED VOICE

“I love the big boobies.”
“Hey Kat , Kitty Kat .”
“This is Big Daddy.”
“Belly button rings are all the rage”

The audience is laughing riotously. Dave is holding his face in his hands.

LENO

And I think this one is my personal
favorite.

RECORDED VOICE

"There’s big boobies in my face right
now."

Jenny McCarthy stands and turns to Dave, giving him a little dance whipping the audience into a frenzy. The band beings to PLAY “Cherry Pie” by Poison as she mimics a stripper. Leno starts clapping in time to the music.

DAVE

Please sit down.

McCarthy reaches down, takes Dave by the hands and pulls him to his feet. He stands awkwardly as she dances around him like he’s a pole.

INT. ALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Ally is watching Dave’s performance and turns off the television with some disgust. Her telephone RINGS.

ALLY

Hello? Oh Hi Mom. No he is
definitely not my boyfriend.

FADE OUT.

Part 10 - No Family Room in the Octagon

(Please read the previous parts before reading this posting)
Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space
Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push
Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club
Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall
Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action
Part 6 - And the Band Played On
Part 7 - You Win Some, You Lose a Few More
Part 8 - The Mexican Standoff
Part 9 - There's Never a Cop Around When you Need One

Dinner with the family is always stressful, but especially when you are the infamous Big Daddy.

EXT. DAVE’S PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dave and Ally are walking up the front walk to the porch of a tidy suburban house. Dave hangs his head and shoulders as they step to the front door.

ALLY

Someday you’ll laugh about this
Dave. You really will .

DAVE

I don’ t want to talk about it. Let’s
just get through this. Okay?

Dave rings the bell.

ALLY

At least you got off without a ticket.

The door opens to reveal Dave’s brother Tyler.

TYLER

You got a ticket? Dude, what’d you
do?

DAVE

Nothing. Just a big
misunderstanding

Tyler has already left the door and gone down the front hall.

TYLER
Mom! Dave got arrested!

From down the hall, we hear Dave’s mother’s shocked response.

MRS. MORGAN (O.C.)

What?! Oh David! What have you
done now?

There is a COMMOTION from the hall . An older woman is crawling along the edge of the doorway between the foyer and the living room. This is Dave’s GRANDMOTHER. Behind her follows Dave’s mom.

MRS. MORGAN

Mom, stand up. Oh, hi David.

DAVE

Hi Mom. I’d like you to meet…

MRS. MORGAN

Mom!

GRANDMA

What are you going to do about this
floor Helen?

MRS. MORGAN

What do you mean what are we
going to do? The house is
lovely. Please get up off the floor
Mother.

DAVE

Mom? I have someone I want you to
meet.

Neither woman is paying any attention to Dave or the guest. Dave shrugs and mouths “I’m sorry” to Ally.

GRANDMA

Well they’re different heights.

MRS. MORGAN

It’s a quarter of an inch Mom.

GRANDMA

You don’t want it to be uneven. It
shouldn’t have a lip. Someone could
trip.

MRS. MORGAN

Who’s going to trip?

GRANDMA

You could have someone over for
cocktails, and they have Dropfoot.
You know, that disorder where they
can’t lift their feet. Someone with
Dropfoot could fall on
your floor.

MRS. MORGAN

Oh Honestly Mom. David, can you
help your grandmother to the table
please?

DAVE

(to Ally)

Are you sure you still want to be
with me?

Ally takes his hand and leads him in.

ALLY

Let’s see how we do until the next
crisis.

They enter and close the door just as Dave’s mother and aunt come rushing towards them.

INT. DAVE’S AUNT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dave, Ally, Tyler, Dave’s parents, Grandma, Dave’s aunt and uncle and his 18 year old cousin Bridget are sitting around the table eating and laughing.

TYLER

I just can’ t believe you would walk
away from all that money Ally. I
mean, if I had a job making that
much money…

DAVE

If you a job making any money…

TYLER

I’m not talking to you Mr. Pornstar.

DAVE’S AUNT

(to Mrs. Morgan)

Why does he keep calling David
that?

ALLY

It’s not about the money, Tyler. It’s
about doing something with my life
that has some meaning for me. I
always wanted to be a singer and I
figured it wasn’t going to happen if I
just waited around for it .

TYLER

Well all I know is, you’re not going
to be satisfied by The Professor here
unless he moves beyond selling T-shirts
on campus.

Dave stands from the table

DAVE

I’ve had it . You can talk trash about
me but not my girl friend.

Ally looks shocked by Dave taking such a stand. Tyler is still seated.

MRS. MORGAN

Well I for one think it is very brave
to start out on a new path like that .
I wish I had decided to do something
I wanted to do when I was your age.

MR. MORGAN

What does that mean?

TYLER

(with shock)

Yeah Ma, what do you mean?

Dave begins to sit down. But just before he is down, Tyler’s phone rings with Dave’s voice.

RECORDED VOICE

This is Mr. Tiny Penis…

DAVE

That’s it!

Dave launches himself across the table and attacks Tyler in flurry of napkins and cutlery.

INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dave and Ally are sitting on the couch in his apartment. She is applying a cold cloth to a large red mark above his left eye.

ALLY

That was very sweet but I don’t
think we’re quite ready for the
“girl friend/boyfriend” thing.

DAVE

Apparently I ’m not ready for the
“Ultimate Fighting” thing either.

ALLY

It might have been more effective if
you actually had made contact with
your brother before you pushed your
aunt into the sideboard.

DAVE

Do you think she‘s still mad?

ALLY

It depends on how successful the
doctor is reattaching her finger tip.

DAVE

I’ve never seen a cat run so fast
with something in it’s mouth.
(beat)
Now about this girl friend/boyfriend
thing, maybe we shouldn’t get so
hung up on the nomenclature.

ALLY

Maybe.

DAVE

After all , I’m just coming out of a
long term relationship,

ALLY

With a bad breakup.

DAVE

The worst .

ALLY

And I need to focus on my career.

DAVE

So you wouldn’t have time for
anything serious anyway.

ALLY

None.

DAVE

The only thing is Ally, when I’m not
with you, I’m thinking about how
long it is until I am. And when I am
with you, it doesn’t seem to last
long enough.

Ally moves closer to him.

ALLY

So there’s nothing I can do to make
you happy?

DAVE

I guess not.

ALLY

I never figured you for being “High
Maintenance”.

Ally and Dave kiss.

FADE OUT.

Part 9 - There's Never A Cop Around When You Need One

(Please read the previous parts before reading this posting)

Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space

Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push

Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club

Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall

Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action

Part 6 - And the Band Played On

Part 7 - You Win Some, You Lose a Few More

Part 8 - The Mexican Standoff

Dave and Ally patch things up, but the Law gets in the way of the path to bliss.

INT. GROCERY STORE – AFTERNOON
Dave and Ally are shopping.

DAVE

I’m sorry about the whole thing.

ALLY

(playfully)

You should be.

DAVE

I never should have lied to you…or
kept this from you or…

ALLY

Never mind. It’s all in the past.
When it all happened we didn’t even
like each other, so water under the
bridge.

DAVE

Spilled milk?

ALLY

Exactly. And besides, you’ve got this
whole phone sex scandal thing to
deal with.

DAVE

Don’t remind me. It does feel like
I’m forgetting something. Oh crap.
I’m supposed to have dinner with
my folks tonight.

ALLY

Okay.

DAVE

Okay what?

ALLY

Okay, I’ll have dinner with your
folks.

DAVE

Oh, you don’t want to do that…

ALLY

Why not? Are you embarrassed of
me?

DAVE

You? No. Of them? You bet.

ALLY

I’m going to have to meet them
sometime.

DAVE

Geez. You move fast. We were just
broken up and…

ALLY

You thought we were broken up?
Wow. Kathy must have had you
wrapped up pretty tight. That was
just a fight. I’ll let you in on how
the whole relationship thing works
as we "work the steps".

DAVE

Like AA. Good to know. Okay, Crazy
Morgans, here we come.

Dave pulls a U-turn and heads off to Mom and Dad’s.

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Steve is walking along the street. He has several of his T-shirts slung over his shoulder. He is speaking rapidly into his cell phone.

STEVE
No, he won’t be going on third… No,
and not on the night with the kid
bird callers…Look, you want Big
Daddy, then he comes with some
conditions…Who else do you have?
Okay, she’s red hot right now. And
following? No. No stand ups. It has
to be a band…No, they suck.
Because they suck. You should be
embarrassed to even consider
having them on …

CUT TO:

INT/EXT. DAVE’S CAR – NIGHT
Dave and Ally are driving to his parents for dinner.

ALLY

The investment firm called again.

DAVE

They want you back pretty bad.

ALLY

(pouting)

Can you blame them?

DAVE

Nope. I wouldn’t let you go without
a fight either. Thanks for saying
“No.”

ALLY

Don’t get too high on yourself. I
didn’t turn them down just for your
sake. I’m not giving up on the
guitar…not just yet anyway.
( looking out the window)
Can’t give my mother the
satisfaction of saying “I told you
so”. Cow.

DAVE

Speaking of cows, any word from
Kathy?

ALLY

None. Haven’t heard from her since the
night she ambushed us. She moved out
when I wasn’t home the next day, and
that was it. At least she didn’t steal
anything.

DAVE

I still can’t believe she was the one who
emailed my phone message.

Ally pats Dave on the knee.

ALLY

Don’t worry. People like that get what’s
coming to them.

DAVE

But what poetic justice is there for
passing on drunk voice mails?

ALLY

Life threatening viral infection.

DAVE

In her just laptop or straight to her
kidneys?

Ally laughs.

Through the rear window, the lights of a police car FLASH. The brief blare of the HORN sounds indicating a pull-over.

DAVE (CONT’D)

You have to be kidding me.

ALLY

Just take it easy.

Dave pulls the car over to the side of the road and shuts off the engine. Behind the police car comes to a stop. The cruiser door opens and the STATE TROOPER gets out, walking slowly to Dave’s open window.

TROOPER

Evening folks. You know why I pulled
you over?

DAVE

Um sorry Officer. I don’t think I was
speeding.

TROOPER

You got a taillight out and it looks like your
plates are expired.

DAVE

Oh no. You know Officer, I’d been
meaning to get to that, but I just got
busy. I even have the form filled out
here.

Dave lunges across the seat to the glove box, nearly knocking Ally out of the way. He pops open the little door and rummages through the insurance and licensing documents.

With Dave's sudden movement, the Trooper has crouched and drawn his sidearm.

Dave reappears at the car window with the document and holds it out to the Trooper.

DAVE (CONT’D)

See, here it is. All filled out. Ready to
mail in.

Dave shakes it about until the Trooper holsters his weapon takes the papers from him.

TROOPER

It’s no good in your glove compartment
Sir. Need's to be on your license
plate.

DAVE

C’mon Officer, can’ t you give a guy a
break?

TROOPER

I’m afraid…wait a second. Why do I know
your voice?

DAVE

(whispering)

Oh no.

TROOPER

Do you do those truck ads? No don’t tell
me...

DAVE

You don’t know me from anywhere,
sorry. Why don’t you just give me the
ticket, and we’ll be on our way?

TROOPER

Oh this is driving me crazy.

The Trooper turns and shouts to his partner.

TROOPER (CONT’D)

Hey Mark! Mark c’mere and tell me
where I know this guy from.

The SECOND TROOPER walks to Ally’s side window and shines the flashlight at her before walking slowly around the hood of the car and comes to Dave’s window. The second trooper is a burly, unfriendly looking man with his mouth almost completely hidden below a thick moustache.

TROOPER TWO

Doesn’t look familiar. You a registered
sex offender?

DAVE

This only gets worse.

TROOPER

No, I’ve heard him on something.

TROOPER TWO

911 calls?

TROOPER

No like TV. Say something to my partner
Sir.

DAVE

Anything in particular? How about
‘goodbye’?

TROOPER TWO

Oh a smart guy. Maybe you’ll talk better
down at the station.

ALLY

(whispering)

Just say it Dave.

DAVE

Please tell me you aren’t serious.

ALLY

This is only going to get worse.

DAVE

Okay. But just remember this was your
idea. Hey guys? “I love the big boobies.”

TROOPER TWO

Okay Freakshow. Out of the car.

The second Trooper reaches through the car window and starts to pull Dave through it. Dave begins to shout cl ips from his phone message as he struggles against the big police officer.

DAVE

Hey Kat, Kitty Kat. So here’s Mister
Tiny Prick. This is Big Daddy. I love
the big boobies. I love the BIG
BOOBIES!

TROOPER

You’re the ring tone guy! Mark let
him go. Let him go.

After some convincing, the second Trooper reluctantly releases Dave, who slides back into his seat.

The first Trooper pulls out a cell phone from his flack vest. He hits a button and we hear Dave say “Belly button rings are all the rage.”

TROOPER (CONT’D)

That one’s my favorite.

DAVE

(reluctantly)

Thanks. Can I go now?

TROOPER

Would you do me a favor? Please?

Dave sighs.

DAVE

Sure. Why not?

TROOPER

Would you say something to the guys
down at the station?

The first Trooper turns away from the car and we hear him speak into his radio. The second Trooper does not take his suspicious gaze away from Dave the whole time. His fingers drum eagerly on the hilt of his holstered pistol. The first Trooper re-appears at the window and sticks the radio mouthpiece in Dave’s face.

TROOPER (CONT’D)

Okay. Do your thing.

DAVE

( flatly)

Hey Kat, Kitty Kat. I love the big
boobies.

TROOPER

C’mon, you can do better than that.
Like you did when Mark was hauling
you out the car window like a rag
doll .

Dave sighs before taking a big breath and performing his repertoire.

DAVE

There’s big boobies in my face right
now.

TROOPER

All right!

DAVE

Belly button rings are all the rage.

INT.POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Several police officers are gathered around the radio loudspeaker. Dave’s voice comes through the speaker with plenty of static.

DAVE (O.C.)

Hey Kitty Cat . This is Big Daddy.

The cops all break into riots of laughter.

TROOPER (O.C.)

Do the tiny prick one.

DAVE (O.C.)

Do I have to?

TROOPER (O.C.)

C’mon, be a sport.

DAVE (O.C.)

Man… So here’s Mister Tiny prick
saying good bye.

The cops HOOT again. Two high five each other.

TROOPER (O.C.)

That’s what I ’m talking about!

DAVE (O.C.)

Can I go now?

TROOPER (O.C.)

C'mon, just one more...

FADE OUT ON RADIO SPEAKER.

Part 8 - The Mexican Standoff

(Please read the previous parts before reading this posting)

Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space

Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push

Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club

Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall

Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action

Part 6 - And the Band Played On

Part 7 - You Win Some, You Lose a Few More

Dave's notoriety continues to build while life on campus becomes more difficult.

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – DAY
Dave is walking back across the campus after his embarrassing chair climbing display. He passes near one of the parking lots and sees Steve standing by his car. As he walks closer, Dave can see the trunk of the car is open.

There is a cluster of students around the open trunk. Closer still , Dave can see Steve has the phone message shirts from earlier displayed on hangers all around the open trunk.

STEVE

Special offer today guys. Fifteen
bucks for one, twenty five for two.

DAVE

What are you doing?

STEVE

Kids, this is a real honor. Big Daddy
himself is here. For an extra five
dollars the man who loves big
boobies will autograph each one.
How’s that?

The group mummers their assent.

DAVE

I’m not signing anything.

STEVE

What if I let you keep the five
bucks?

Dave slams the trunk scattering the T-shirts on the ground. Steve has to duck out of the way to avoid having his fingers caught.

STEVE (CONT'D)

Hey, watch what you’re doing.
You’re going to wreck all my
merchandise.

KID IN CROWD

Whoa, not very cool Professor
Morgan.

DAVE

Don’t you guys have class, or
studying or an extasy rave to go to?
Go on.

The kids shuffle off reluctantly.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Why are you doing this to me? This
is where I work? I have to stand up
in front of these kids everyday and
they are not going to listen to me if
they think I’m thinking about their
tits. Well , half of them. I hate to
consider what the male half of the
room is thinking about.

Steve begins to pick up his shirts from the ground.

STEVE

This isn’t personal , it’s just
business.

DAVE

Of course it’s personal , it’s my life.

STEVE

It’s my life too Dave. This may all be
over in a week. I’ve got to make the
money now.

DAVE

Knowing you, you’d think of a way
to keep it going longer. Don’t call
me for awhile.

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – VARIOUS
The phone message has taken on a life of it’s own. Now there are posters not just on campus, but in town too.

INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dave is slouched on his couch watching a late night talk show host.

HOST (ON TV)

Have you heard of this Big Boobies
ring tone that’s sweeping across the
country?

There is laughter and an applause of acknowledgment from the audience.

HOST (ON TV) (CONT’D)

This guy tells his ex-girl friend what
he really liked about her and she
showed her appreciation by having
it posted on the Internet. Did we
learn nothing from the Clinton
Administration?

Riotous laughter erupts.

HOST (ON TV) (CONT’D)

And it’s not just Big Boobies; there
are several ring tones about all
aspects of sex. Or should I say
positions.

The audience hoot luridly.

HOST (ON TV) (CONT’D)

There are so many ring tones, Paris
Hilton went out and bought a
different cell phone so she could hear
each one.

Riotous laughter erupts.

HOST (ON TV) (CONT’D)
Has anyone listened to the whole
message? Apparently the guy tried
to call Dr. Phil for help, but Dr. Phil
wouldn’t take the call when he saw
it was from “Big Daddy”.

Riotous laughter erupts with applause.

DAVE

Oh please. Those jokes aren’t even
funny.

Dave turns off the TV. He picks up the phone and begins to call Ally, but decides against it and goes to bed.

INT. DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY
Dave comes into his office in the morning. He sees the red message light on his phone is BLINKING. He sighs and puts down his case heavily.

DAVE (TO HIMSELF)

That’s never good news.

Dave presses the speaker function and dials in to get his message.

MESSAGE VOICE

You have two new messages.
Message one:

ALLY (VOICE ON PHONE)

Hi Dave. I’m sorry I didn’t call . I’ve
been thinking and I’m sure you have
probably suffered enough with this
thing. And, well , I miss you. Call
me.

DAVE

Yes! Maybe this will be a good day.

MESSAGE VOICE

Message two:

SECRETARY (VOICE ON PHONE)

Dr. Morgan, the Dean would like to
see you. Your class schedule shows
you are free at 10:30. Please contact
me if this is not possible.

DAVE

Or maybe not.

INT. OFFICE OF THE DEAN – DAY
Dave enters the Dean’s office. The secretary that left the phone
message is sitting in the anteroom. She is busy typing.

DAVE

Excuse me. I’m hear to see Dean
Turner. I’m…

SECRETARY

(with disdain)

I know who you are. Everyone does.
You should be ashamed of yourself.

DAVE

It’s all a big misunderstanding,
really.

SECRETARY

You can go in, but try not to touch
anything.

DAVE

Okay.

As he passes, he drags a finger across her desk. We hear the secretary INHALE sharply.

Dave opens the door to the Dean’s off ice and enters. Behind him, the secretary has grabbed a spray bottle of cleaner and is wiping her desk down.

The Dean is reading a file. It is a plush, well appointed office with plenty of books and comfortable leather armchairs.

DAVE

Dean Turner?

DEAN TURNER

Professor Morgan. Come in.

Dave steps towards an overstuffed leather armchair in front of the Dean's desk. He begins to sit, but is interrupted by the Dean midway to the seat.

DEAN TURNER (CONT’D)

Don’t sit. This won’t take long.

DAVE

(awkwardly)

Okay…

Dave slowly straightens up.

DEAN TURNER

How long have you been with this
institution?

DAVE
Six years Sir. Not counting my
undergraduate four years before I
went to Stanford for my graduate
work.

DEAN TURNER

So nearly ten years.

DAVE

Yes Sir.

DEAN TURNER

And in a l that time did you come to
think of this university as a place of
loose morals?

DAVE

No Sir.

DEAN TURNER

Or perhaps an establishment rife in
practitioners of lascivious behavior?
Or a place to “get your freak on”, as
you people say these days?

DAVE

No Sir. No one I know would use
that phrase. Maybe my friend
Toynebee does but I’m pretty sure
he has a mental condition. Mild and
treatable but still…

The Dean raises his hand and Dave stops his embarrassed rambling.

DEAN TURNER

Professor Morgan, we have always
had a certain tolerance for
immature behavior from the
students, but it cannot be tolerated
from the staff.

DAVE

Sir, I understand and i f you’ll let me
explain…

DEAN TURNER

As much as I don’t like it, a
professor’s private life is his own
business, but when you begin to
make your questionable lifestyle
public…

DAVE

I wouldn’t go so far as to call my
lifestyle “questionable”...

DEAN TURNER

Or attempt to at tack a student
during class…

DAVE

I think “attack” is a pretty strong
word…

DEAN TURNER

Or hoping to profit from your
deplorable conduct…

Dean Turner holds up one of Steve’s T-shirts.

DEAN TURNER (CONT’D)

Then we have to re-consider your
association here.

DAVE

The T-shirts aren’t mine. The whole
stupid thing is a friend of mine's
demented idea of capitalism.

DEAN TURNER

Another of these friends you “hang
out” with at your “gentlemen’s
clubs”?

DAVE

That night wasn’t even my idea.

Dean Turner tosses a stack of papers across his desk towards Dave.

DEAN TURNER

All those letters are from parents
upset that we would employ a man
of your character here.

The Dean tosses a pile of phone message slips.

DEAN TURNER (CONT’D)

And that’s a fraction of the phone
cal ls from alumni threatening to
pull their donations. Do you realize
you don’t have tenure here yet?

DAVE

Yes Sir. I mean, no Sir. I… I don’t
know what to say.

Dave moves to pick up the stack of letters. He notices that the Dean has knocked over a small picture on his desk. Dave picks it up. It is a picture of a beautiful girl around fi fteen, dressed in a
school uniform.

DEAN TURNER

Put that down. That’s a picture of
my granddaughter.

There is something familiar about the girl in the picture, but he can’t think of what it is.

DEAN TURNER (CONT"D)

Morgan, she’s not the sort of girl
you should be thinking about.

CUT TO:

INT. STRIP CLUB – NIGHT
As Dave struggles to place the girl in the picture we see a blurry memory of the stag night (similar to how he remembered the phone call) . We see Dave sitting at the booth, a topless girl sitting on his lap writhing up and down.

We head Dave on the phone repeating: “Oh and news flash for you, belly button rings are all the rage. You should get one. I’ll ask Tiffany here where she got hers” As we see the girl in heavy make-up and teased hair, the image softens to the pretty, demure school girl in the photo.

CUT TO:

INT. DEAN’S OFFICE – DAY

DAVE

Your granddaughter’s name wouldn’t
happen to be Tiffany would it?

DEAN TURNER

How, how do you know that?

DAVE

(under his breath)

I can’t believe she uses her real
name.

DEAN TURNER

Her real name? Of course it’s her
real name.

DAVE

Tiffany Turner is such a stripper
name.

DEAN TURNER

Don’t make me call campus
security.

DAVE

Your sweet little Catholic school girl
granddaughter is saving up for
college by taking her clothes off.
She even wears her uniform in her
act. I’ll tell you this: she’s awfully
mature for her age.

The Dean is apoplectic with shock. Dave tosses the picture back to him and the Dean catches it
clumsily.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Tell you what Dean, you call
Tiffany’s parents, get the girl a job
at Dairy Queen, and I’ll forget the
whole thing if you get off my back.
Deal?

The Dean nods.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Good. Nice meeting with you. Let’s
do it again soon.

Dave rises and walks to the door. He pauses as he opens the door.

DAVE (CONT’D)

What to go take in some peelers? Maybe not.

FADE OUT.

Part 7 - You Win Some, You Lose a Few More

(Please read the previous parts before reading this posting)

Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space

Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push

Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club

Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall

Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action

Part 6 - And the Band Played On

Kathy's plot to embarrass Dave has begun to roll.

INT. COLLEGE CLASS - DAY
Dave is teaching his class, still basking in the fact he got laid last night. A handful of students can be seen text messaging on their cell phones.

DAVE

Now as we learned last time,
Harrison claims the stress on
kinship ties in post contact societies
is the first stage in the shift away
from a non-hierarchical structure.

We can here the gentle BUZZING of cell phones set on vibrate. There is a weird MURMURING beginning as text calls are being answered around the lecture hall.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Who can give me an example of such
as shift in Native American
societies? Anyone?

When he looks up, several hands that were pointed at him immediately drop.

DAVE (CONT’D)

No? This is the sort of material that
will be on the exam People. How
about the Salish of the Pacific
Northwest?

He turns and writes “Salish” on the white board. There is muffled laughter from the class. Dave spins around quickly but the laughter is gone.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Um, is there something going on?
Something funny I don’t know
about.?This shouldn’t be high school
folks. You are a l supposed to want
to be here. Your parents have paid
good money…

VOICE IN THE DARK

We thought your fly was undone. But
it’s not.

DAVE

Oh, okay. So one element to
consider when selecting…

VOICE IN THE DARK

(coughing)

Big Daddy!

The entire class erupts into uncontrollable LAUGHTER.

DAVE

Okay. Go. Get out of here. Class
dismissed.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
Dave and Ally are walking hand in hand. There is moderate pedestrian traf fic around them.

DAVE

I tell you it was the weirdest thing.
It was like there was an
undercurrent of discussion going
on, but in another language.

ALLY

They’re kids. Of course it’s another
language.

DAVE

There’s like, only ten years
difference. I’m still cool . I know 'The
Scene.'

ALLY

Oh, like all the cool 32 year olds we
knew at twenty.

DAVE

I don’ t know. It was something else.
Like they knew something about me.
All of them were connected to the
same joke.

They stop for a moment and Ally gives him a kiss.

ALLY

Well I think you’re the coolest
college prof I ever knew.

DAVE

Thanks.

ALLY

And I’d sleep with you even if it
didn’t improve my grade.

They embrace. Suddenly a muffled, recorded voice can be heard as a young guy passes them.

RECORDED VOICE

I love the big boobies!

YOUNG GUY

Hello?

DAVE

That was weird.

ALLY

Why? You guys all love big boobs.

A second muffled voice is heard as another person passes.

RECORDED VOICE

So here’s Mister Tiny Prick.

ALLY

That sounds like you.

DAVE

I’d never call myself Mr. Tiny Prick,
even if it was true. Which it’s not .

ALLY

Well…

DAVE

It’s not!

ALLY

I’m just kidding.

A third muffled voice is heard as two women pass.

RECORDED VOICE

Hey Kat, Kitty Kat.

And another:

RECORDED VOICE

This is Big Daddy.

And another:

RECORDED VOICE

There’s big boobies in my face right
now!

DAVE

What the fuck?

It seems Dave is surrounded by these snippets of his drunken call.

RECORDED VOICE

Belly button rings are all the rage!

RECORDED VOICE

I love the big boobies!

ALLY

Lets get out of here!

Dave and Ally dash up the street.

EXT. CITY STREET, INTERNET CAFÉ ENTRANCE - DAY
Dave and Ally run towards an Internet Café and go inside.

INT. INTERNET CAFÉ – DAY
The couple grab seats at an empty monitor.

ALLY

They must be ring tones that have
been downloaded or emailed. That’s
the only way so many people could
have them.
Ally surfs the net.

ALLY (CONT’D)

Some sites are free, others you pay
something like 25 cents for it . The
question is, how did your voice get
onto the Internet?

DAVE

I can’t imagine.

ALLY

Okay here’s a listing of
downloadable ring tones. The top
five right now are: “I love the Big
Boobies,” “Mmm, Big Boobies,” and
strangely “Here’s Mister Tiny Prick.”
Did you say all of these things?

DAVE

I may have. I say a lot of things.

ALLY

Were any of them “ I love the big
boobies”? and did you record it and
post it to the Internet?

DAVE

Not that I’m aware.

ALLY

What about a cell phone?

DAVE

I don’ t have one.

ALLY

Did you call someone and say that
stuff?

DAVE

I...um, look its no big deal .

ALLY

Oh, I don’t like the sound of this.
When someone says ‘it’s no big
deal’, it ’s always a big deal .

DAVE

I may have called Kathy the other
night from a party, and I may have
left her a message that said those
things. But I was drunk. I never
thought she would put the tape on
the web.

ALLY

But she often forwards calls to her
cell. She could post it directly,
somewhere. There’s no tape. Oh,
that’s why you were there?

DAVE

Ally…

ALLY

At my apartment the other day. It
wasn’t to see me; it was to try and
get the tape back.

DAVE

Ally, it's no bid deal. Why
focus on why I was there? Look
what happened with us because of
it.

ALLY

No big deal? You were going to
break into my place and steal from
me. I don’t think I can be around
you right now.

DAVE

Ally, c’mon. Let’s talk about this.

Ally is at the café door.

ALLY

Maybe you should find yourself
some big boobies. You can play
with someone else’s for a while.

FADE OUT:

INT./EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS – MONTAGE
We see Dave over the next day as his world is inundated with his drunk voice coming back to him from cell phones wherever he goes.

INT. DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY
Dave is in his office. The door is open. Out in the hallway students
are walking by. From somewhere he hears his voice say “Mmm, big
boobies.”

STUDENT (O.C.)

Dude, what’s up?

Dave goes to the door and shuts it . He sits down and, after a moment of reflection, dials Ally’s number.

DAVE

Hi Ally, it’s Dave. I guess you’re out.
I guess I should take the hint that
you haven’t called me back but I
just wanted you to know that I don’t
love big boobies. I love your boobies,
and your legs and your smile and
your pretty brown eyes. I sure want
to see all of them again.

INT. ALLY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Ally is standing by the phone, listening to Dave leave the message. She is smiling.

DAVE (ON PHONE)

I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you.
I’ll be at the Beanery later today,
because I really need to hear some
groovin’ guitar. I hope you’ll want to
talk with me. Oh, you can post this
to the 'Net if you want. Bye.

INT. DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY
Dave hangs up the phone after calling Ally. Almost immediately it RINGS.

DAVE

Dave Morgan.

TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)

It’s Ryan. Listen I know how this
happened.

DAVE

What?

TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)

Turn on your computer.

DAVE

It’s on.

TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)

Okay type in www dot drunkdialers
dot com.

DAVE

Okay. It ’s loading… oh my God.

TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)

Bingo! There you are dude.

We move in on the computer screen to see the website and a big picture of Dave with his name and the caption. “Funniest Drunk Call of the Year.”

TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE) (CONT’D)

You’re famous.

DAVE

I can’t believe Kathy did this to me.

TOYNEBEE (ON PHONE)

Look on the bright side. At least it
can’t get any worse.

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – DAY
Dave is walking across the quad to the lecture hall. He has been ignoring the cell phones that explode with his drunk voice every few feet. He had never been aware before of how many people have cell phones or how frequently they are called. At one of the message kiosks there are flyers posted advertising a party: "October Phone Fest – Dial Under the Influence and Love the Big Boobies for only $5."

Suddenly a swarm of kids come towards him each wearing a T-shirt with a different selection from his message printed on them.

INT. LECTURE HALL – DAY
Dave’s students are writing a quiz. Throughout the class there have been outbreaks of muffled laughter. Dave has sat silently at the front of the class watching them write. Occasionally he picks up a coffee mug with shaky hands.

DAVE

Okay time’s up. Put down your pens
please and pass your exams down to
the end of the row.

The class begins to follow the instructions. Over the rustle of passing papers we hear a WISE GUY.

WISE GUY

You got it Big Daddy.

Immediately the class erupts into uncontrolled LAUGHTER. It is too much for Dave.

DAVE

(shouting)

That’s it! Who said that? Who was
it?

Dave rushes up the steps.

DAVE (CONT’D)

I want to know who it was.

A student tries to hand him a stack of collected tests. Dave shoves her aside in his race to the back of the class.

We see the Wise Guy beating a hasty retreat out the back door.

DAVE (CONT’D)

I can see you! Come back here!

The aisle is too crowded for Dave to get up. He enters the seating area and frantically climbs over the seat backs, stumbling as he does so.

Dave finally reaches the back of the room. Out of breath, he rushes out of the auditorium door. The Wise Guy is lost in a sea of other students.