Part 9 - There's Never A Cop Around When You Need One

(Please read the previous parts before reading this posting)

Part 1 - Dave Gives Kathy Some Time and Space

Part 2 - Kathy Moves On But Dave Needs a Push

Part 3 - A Day at the Campus, A Night at the Strip Club

Part 4 - A Cute Meet Before the Scales Fall

Part 5 - Dave Morgan: Man of Action

Part 6 - And the Band Played On

Part 7 - You Win Some, You Lose a Few More

Part 8 - The Mexican Standoff

Dave and Ally patch things up, but the Law gets in the way of the path to bliss.

INT. GROCERY STORE – AFTERNOON
Dave and Ally are shopping.

DAVE

I’m sorry about the whole thing.

ALLY

(playfully)

You should be.

DAVE

I never should have lied to you…or
kept this from you or…

ALLY

Never mind. It’s all in the past.
When it all happened we didn’t even
like each other, so water under the
bridge.

DAVE

Spilled milk?

ALLY

Exactly. And besides, you’ve got this
whole phone sex scandal thing to
deal with.

DAVE

Don’t remind me. It does feel like
I’m forgetting something. Oh crap.
I’m supposed to have dinner with
my folks tonight.

ALLY

Okay.

DAVE

Okay what?

ALLY

Okay, I’ll have dinner with your
folks.

DAVE

Oh, you don’t want to do that…

ALLY

Why not? Are you embarrassed of
me?

DAVE

You? No. Of them? You bet.

ALLY

I’m going to have to meet them
sometime.

DAVE

Geez. You move fast. We were just
broken up and…

ALLY

You thought we were broken up?
Wow. Kathy must have had you
wrapped up pretty tight. That was
just a fight. I’ll let you in on how
the whole relationship thing works
as we "work the steps".

DAVE

Like AA. Good to know. Okay, Crazy
Morgans, here we come.

Dave pulls a U-turn and heads off to Mom and Dad’s.

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Steve is walking along the street. He has several of his T-shirts slung over his shoulder. He is speaking rapidly into his cell phone.

STEVE
No, he won’t be going on third… No,
and not on the night with the kid
bird callers…Look, you want Big
Daddy, then he comes with some
conditions…Who else do you have?
Okay, she’s red hot right now. And
following? No. No stand ups. It has
to be a band…No, they suck.
Because they suck. You should be
embarrassed to even consider
having them on …

CUT TO:

INT/EXT. DAVE’S CAR – NIGHT
Dave and Ally are driving to his parents for dinner.

ALLY

The investment firm called again.

DAVE

They want you back pretty bad.

ALLY

(pouting)

Can you blame them?

DAVE

Nope. I wouldn’t let you go without
a fight either. Thanks for saying
“No.”

ALLY

Don’t get too high on yourself. I
didn’t turn them down just for your
sake. I’m not giving up on the
guitar…not just yet anyway.
( looking out the window)
Can’t give my mother the
satisfaction of saying “I told you
so”. Cow.

DAVE

Speaking of cows, any word from
Kathy?

ALLY

None. Haven’t heard from her since the
night she ambushed us. She moved out
when I wasn’t home the next day, and
that was it. At least she didn’t steal
anything.

DAVE

I still can’t believe she was the one who
emailed my phone message.

Ally pats Dave on the knee.

ALLY

Don’t worry. People like that get what’s
coming to them.

DAVE

But what poetic justice is there for
passing on drunk voice mails?

ALLY

Life threatening viral infection.

DAVE

In her just laptop or straight to her
kidneys?

Ally laughs.

Through the rear window, the lights of a police car FLASH. The brief blare of the HORN sounds indicating a pull-over.

DAVE (CONT’D)

You have to be kidding me.

ALLY

Just take it easy.

Dave pulls the car over to the side of the road and shuts off the engine. Behind the police car comes to a stop. The cruiser door opens and the STATE TROOPER gets out, walking slowly to Dave’s open window.

TROOPER

Evening folks. You know why I pulled
you over?

DAVE

Um sorry Officer. I don’t think I was
speeding.

TROOPER

You got a taillight out and it looks like your
plates are expired.

DAVE

Oh no. You know Officer, I’d been
meaning to get to that, but I just got
busy. I even have the form filled out
here.

Dave lunges across the seat to the glove box, nearly knocking Ally out of the way. He pops open the little door and rummages through the insurance and licensing documents.

With Dave's sudden movement, the Trooper has crouched and drawn his sidearm.

Dave reappears at the car window with the document and holds it out to the Trooper.

DAVE (CONT’D)

See, here it is. All filled out. Ready to
mail in.

Dave shakes it about until the Trooper holsters his weapon takes the papers from him.

TROOPER

It’s no good in your glove compartment
Sir. Need's to be on your license
plate.

DAVE

C’mon Officer, can’ t you give a guy a
break?

TROOPER

I’m afraid…wait a second. Why do I know
your voice?

DAVE

(whispering)

Oh no.

TROOPER

Do you do those truck ads? No don’t tell
me...

DAVE

You don’t know me from anywhere,
sorry. Why don’t you just give me the
ticket, and we’ll be on our way?

TROOPER

Oh this is driving me crazy.

The Trooper turns and shouts to his partner.

TROOPER (CONT’D)

Hey Mark! Mark c’mere and tell me
where I know this guy from.

The SECOND TROOPER walks to Ally’s side window and shines the flashlight at her before walking slowly around the hood of the car and comes to Dave’s window. The second trooper is a burly, unfriendly looking man with his mouth almost completely hidden below a thick moustache.

TROOPER TWO

Doesn’t look familiar. You a registered
sex offender?

DAVE

This only gets worse.

TROOPER

No, I’ve heard him on something.

TROOPER TWO

911 calls?

TROOPER

No like TV. Say something to my partner
Sir.

DAVE

Anything in particular? How about
‘goodbye’?

TROOPER TWO

Oh a smart guy. Maybe you’ll talk better
down at the station.

ALLY

(whispering)

Just say it Dave.

DAVE

Please tell me you aren’t serious.

ALLY

This is only going to get worse.

DAVE

Okay. But just remember this was your
idea. Hey guys? “I love the big boobies.”

TROOPER TWO

Okay Freakshow. Out of the car.

The second Trooper reaches through the car window and starts to pull Dave through it. Dave begins to shout cl ips from his phone message as he struggles against the big police officer.

DAVE

Hey Kat, Kitty Kat. So here’s Mister
Tiny Prick. This is Big Daddy. I love
the big boobies. I love the BIG
BOOBIES!

TROOPER

You’re the ring tone guy! Mark let
him go. Let him go.

After some convincing, the second Trooper reluctantly releases Dave, who slides back into his seat.

The first Trooper pulls out a cell phone from his flack vest. He hits a button and we hear Dave say “Belly button rings are all the rage.”

TROOPER (CONT’D)

That one’s my favorite.

DAVE

(reluctantly)

Thanks. Can I go now?

TROOPER

Would you do me a favor? Please?

Dave sighs.

DAVE

Sure. Why not?

TROOPER

Would you say something to the guys
down at the station?

The first Trooper turns away from the car and we hear him speak into his radio. The second Trooper does not take his suspicious gaze away from Dave the whole time. His fingers drum eagerly on the hilt of his holstered pistol. The first Trooper re-appears at the window and sticks the radio mouthpiece in Dave’s face.

TROOPER (CONT’D)

Okay. Do your thing.

DAVE

( flatly)

Hey Kat, Kitty Kat. I love the big
boobies.

TROOPER

C’mon, you can do better than that.
Like you did when Mark was hauling
you out the car window like a rag
doll .

Dave sighs before taking a big breath and performing his repertoire.

DAVE

There’s big boobies in my face right
now.

TROOPER

All right!

DAVE

Belly button rings are all the rage.

INT.POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Several police officers are gathered around the radio loudspeaker. Dave’s voice comes through the speaker with plenty of static.

DAVE (O.C.)

Hey Kitty Cat . This is Big Daddy.

The cops all break into riots of laughter.

TROOPER (O.C.)

Do the tiny prick one.

DAVE (O.C.)

Do I have to?

TROOPER (O.C.)

C’mon, be a sport.

DAVE (O.C.)

Man… So here’s Mister Tiny prick
saying good bye.

The cops HOOT again. Two high five each other.

TROOPER (O.C.)

That’s what I ’m talking about!

DAVE (O.C.)

Can I go now?

TROOPER (O.C.)

C'mon, just one more...

FADE OUT ON RADIO SPEAKER.